Title of this blog is actually lyrics from a song by a band called Star Fucking Hipsters called Anxiety.
I think I’ve mentioned somewhere before about how ever since my daughter was born my anxiety has got worse.
Well lately it’s been really playing up and driving me insane!!
My main issue is at night as soon as I get into bed.
Houses have a tendency to make noises, like clicks and creaks…even more so depending on the weather, for example right now it is extremely cold and windy out so the houses are getting a proper battering from the wind, causing window creaks etc. The logical side of my brain knows that it’s just simple house noises, but my anxiety brain thinks differently… kinda like oh my fucking god did you hear that noise? What was is it? It must have been someone getting in, there’s someone in the house. Oh fuck what if they come upstairs what if they harm or even kill me and my daughter what can I do I need to keep as quiet as possible maybe they’ll go away. I know I’ll dial 99 so that I’m ready to press the third 9 for the police if they come upstairs. If I sit up and get the golf club then at least I’m ready if someone comes in. But wait what if there’s more than 1, what if they have guns or set fire to my house. What if we get trapped. I’ve got nothing heavy enough to put infront of the bedroom door as a barricade what if I can’t stop them. What if they take my daughter. Where could I hide her if there’s people in the house? What am I gonna do I can’t sleep what if I fall asleep and don’t hear them come up the stairs…
Can you see how that drives me mad and makes me panic? I have all that zooming round my head while my heart races and my lungs seem to forget how to inhale and exhale properly. The logical side of my brain tries to shout over it all and sometimes I hear it and can calm down…other times I will be sat bolt upright in bed holding on to a golf club for god knows how long until I’m so tired that I just fall asleep without realising.
Anxiety is fucking exhausting. Even more so when you have to try and hide it, like if my daughter is still awake I can’t show her my panic because I don’t want her picking it up and being scared herself, so I’ll usually just stay very quiet and play with her hair so that she doesn’t necessarily pick up on how I’m feeling.
Anxiety for me also makes my Restless Leg Syndrome flare up- though it’s more restless body as even my back will feel all twitchy. That is not only annoying and uncomfortable, but I wake up the next morning feeling as though I’ve run a marathon. I’ve actually woken up with pulled muscles from it before which isn’t nice.
When I’m anxious, I scratch/pick at my skin around my finger nails without realising most the time until I catch a hangnail and it really bloody stings! I hate that I do that, but I can’t help it it’s my natural reaction- some people fiddle with their hair or bite their nails, everyone has different nervous habits!
My main daytime anxiety is all thanks to low flying aircraft. The second I hear an airplane or helicopter my heart just races ten to the dozen I hate it, and I find myself saying to myself “please don’t crash please fly over please keep going” until the sound has gone.
I know that people will suggest medication but I really don’t want to be on medication for various reasons as well as the fact I never remember to keep taking them and I know others will suggest CBT stuff but for me personally I never found any of that helpful in the past it works wonders for many people but for me personally I didn’t benefit from it so it’s something I’ve got to try and figure out for myself and learn to handle better, which is easier said than done!
But for now I just want to put it out there that at the moment my anxiety is being a twat and could sometimes have an effect on my mood etc, but saying that I am alright I’m not struggling with daily tasks etc and it’s not effecting my daughter as like I said above I can hide it from her- I’m still able to be perfectly happy and ‘normal’ for lack of better words, I just struggle mainly at night when it comes to falling asleep. Other than that I am perfectly fine so there’s nothing to be worried about in a sense, just maybe have a bit more patience with me and be understanding that’s all.
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹