I should be doing stuff, not rambling hereย 

I had a plan last night, that today I’d do a few questions on my last assessment, do some drawing, then read some more of Happy Mum Happy Baby by Giovanna Fletcher. I even saved some pictures from google to use and adapt in my drawing…though now I’ve realised I have no idea where my pencils are (I always prefer drawing with mechanical pencils) so that’s kinda put me off drawing. 

I’ve got plenty of time to do my assessment as it’s not due in until the 22nd of August, but I don’t want to be rushing to get it done. Instead of doing a couple questions, I’m now sat rambling away on this post, and half watching the rain out the window and Toy Story on the TV because it’s obviously more constructive than doing my work. But hey, maybe after I’m done rambling it’ll free a space in my head for me to get on with it…who knows! 

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Something else that isn’t helping, is that I’ve run out of chocolate. For me this is like taking alcohol away from an alcoholic. I could go to the shop and get some more, but that would involve putting makeup on, getting changed out of my lounge wear, getting my daughter dressed (she doesn’t keep clothes on indoors lately, she prefers just being in her nappy), and going out in the rain which I really can’t be bothered to do…so I’m stuck all weekend without chocolate ๐Ÿ˜ฆ 

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I’ve come to realise that since David Bowie died last year along with my closest friend Andrew, I don’t deal too well with death. It seems that the ones who helped me the most through dark times are dying. Chester Bennington was a massive part of my life growing up, his attitude and music helped me get through a lot of dark times during my teen years. I also think he was the first tattooed man I ‘fancied’. He had a huge impact on my life, so to hear of him dying feels like a friend has died, or a family member…I’ve never met Chester or even been to any of his gigs, but I didn’t need to do that to connect to him and his music. It just fucking sucks really. 

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On a lighter note, my Nan phoned me yesterday to tell me that her brother and his wife have said they will bring her here to visit us once she’s up to it. I posted fairly recently about my Nan being in hospital with pancreatitis, well it turns out what caused it was an injection she had the day before for her arthritis that they were trying her on (it’s an injection you have every 6 months instead of taking some of the medication everyday). What they didn’t tell her was that this injection has been known to cause pancreatitis in people! She’s still not 100% now, as her arthritis has flared up from the hospital taking her off all her medication and now putting her back on it all, and her pancreas is still producing too much of an enzyme or something…not worrying amounts but still too much. But with my Aunty and uncle offering to bring her here for a few days, I think it’s cheered her up and given her something to look forward to. Hopefully by the time she’s able to visit I should be close to passing my driving test so it won’t be a long wait to see her again as I can go and get her. Fingers crossed! 

Talking of driving lessons, I didn’t post an update this week purely because all I’m doing now is perfecting everything so there’s not much to write about as I’m not learning anything new. I will obviously post about it when I’ve passed…I’m not planning on telling anyone when I’m doing my theory or practical test purely because it’ll put more pressure on me and I’ll feel even more shit if I fail. Once I have passed, I will say how many attempts it took me and how many minors I got etc. I’m still waiting for my mum to phone the test centre to ask for prices and when they have slots available for theory tests (it costs me too much to phone them myself) and she’s also got to see when my stepdad is available to take me there to do it as I can’t get there any other way. I hate waiting around I just wanna get it over and done with. I’m actually more nervous about doing my theory than practical now, purely because I don’t do well in exam conditions :/ so I’m kinda shitting it a bit! I’m not even aiming to get 100%, as long as I pass I don’t care what score I get. Just hope I can pass! I just wanna be driving Im getting so fed up of not being able to really go anywhere! Even little things like being able to do food shopping…I hate having to rely on home delivery because when it comes to fresh food they don’t always pick out the nicest looking stuff, like quite often I’ve got bruised apples or even broken eggs. I hate shopping but I want to be able to go and choose stuff myself. Praying I’ll be passed and ready to get a car by the end of September. Fingers crossed. 

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I recently got some little folders/plastic wallet things to keep all my letter writing stuff in like envelopes, writing paper, cards etc which makes me happy as I like organisation like that…just wish I had more people to write to! And that my letters from others would actually arrive, my friend sof sent a postcard last week and I never received it! We’ve recently got 2 new postmen who I’m not keen on so I’ll blame them! 

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Talking of being organised, if you were to look round my house you wouldn’t think I was organised at all. It’s full of my daughters toys that she just seems to spread out everywhere, and I don’t always put clean washing away straight away (often because I’m hanging new washing up late at night and have no energy left to put the dry stuff away). I see pictures of other people’s houses and see them all spotless and sparkling..part of me wishes my house was like that, but in reality at least my house looks lived in instead of a show home. I wouldn’t dream of taking all my daughters toys away from the living room, she’s only 3 she’s not old enough to go play in her room alone so for now the living room is her play room too…I just wish she’d learn to put some stuff away after emptying everything ๐Ÿ˜‚ My house isn’t dirty, there’s a difference between dirty and messy…it’s just currently taken over by my hurricane of a daughter ๐Ÿ˜‚ yes it does my head in some days and I wish it’d stay tidy longer than 5 mins, but that’s part of having a toddler really! The stuff I do have organised, are things like my stationery and books and dvds etc which are all in places that she doesn’t get to! And I’m an organised person in the sense of making plans…for example whenever I’ve visited my hometown, I always know the exact train to get atleast a week before, got a bag sorted a week or more before, and even decided what to wear. I’m a list maker, I like schedules and being on time and knowing what I’m doing. If someone like my mum says they’re coming over but don’t know what time, it really bugs me as I like to know at least a rough time. I hate lateness. When I was at school, even though I hated it I would still arrive at least half an hour early every morning, and I’d have my bag sorted the night before. Same with work, I’d always be early. 

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I am getting some serious withdrawals from not having a tattoo in a year…I used to get tattooed every month at one point, but obviously moving away and being a mum I can’t get out to get them as easily now. Once I’ve passed my driving test and got a car etc I’ve got to save up ยฃ350 for a portrait tattoo on my thigh that I desperately want an artist called Chris Hatch to do for me- he’s actually discounted the price a bit because it’s a tattoo he really wants to do. So I wanna get that done, and there’s also a smaller scale tattoo I want done on my arm which I can find an artist round here to do for me which is a Friends themed tattoo (the tv show). But again, I’ve got to prioritise with money at the moment so tattoos have gotta wait! 

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I don’t think I’ve got anything else to ramble about…and I bet I don’t do any of my assessment after this ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

Have a good weekend 

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น

IMPORTANT: where to find help for mental health/suicide hotlines

The more suicides I hear about, the more determined I am to try my best to help anyone I can when I can. I am in the process of writing a letter to my local mental health services to basically see if they’ll give me a job next year because I desperately want to help people who are in a dark place. 

I’ve just gone online and found this website that has listed various numbers for crisis lines in different parts of the world. If you or anyone you know needs the services of a crisis team, and the contact details aren’t included in this site then simply look online for the contact details of your local mental health services, or if you don’t have time to search for numbers, call emergency services (I done this for someone only last year because i couldn’t get to them to help and make sure they were safe etc). 

If you need someone to talk to other than friends/family (sometimes talking to strangers is easier than talking to those close to you), who has battled mental health issues, attempted suicide in the past and nonjudgmental then please email me immeamy@gmail.com obviously I’m not a medical professional, but I am a listening ear that has an understanding of the darkness. Please note, I can’t answer emails 24/7, but I will reply asap so please if you just need someone understanding to chat to then email me. 

This is the link to the website with various phone numbers for mental health and crisis services (I hope it works, if it doesn’t by clicking then just look for the website nowmattersnow: 

http://www.nowmattersnow.org/help-line

Please speak out if you’re feeling down or even afraid, don’t suffer in silence. Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, it doesn’t define you as a person and it doesn’t make you any less of a person either. So please, just speak out to someone. Suicide is devastating, it’s terrifying to do and heartbreaking for those left behind. Nothing is worth ending your life for, and everyone has at least one person who truly cares about them so please don’t convince yourself that no one cares. 

Look after yourselves, and each other. 

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น

Shock.ย 

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. 

Chester Bennington, the lead singer of Linkin Park has taken his own life at the age of just 41. 

Linkin Park and his voice were the sound to my teen years, their music helped me through a hell of a lot back then. 

I’m beyond shocked, and so saddened that he was in such a dark place. 

No words can explain it. 

Rest in peace Chester โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ž

Who’s more likely to: bestie tag

Myself and my friend are having a bit of writers block lately when it comes to blogging, so we’ve been thinking of different posts we can kind of link together to help each other out when we have no idea what to write about! So today I’m starting it with the Who’s More Likely To tag which I will answer here then she will answer on her blog just for a bit of fun ๐Ÿ™‚ 

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1. Cry in public

I think we both have before but neither of us like to cry in public or in front of anyone so I don’t know really! I’ll say her, purely because she goes out more than me ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

2. Forget birthdays

Again we both have baby brains lol I think I’m better at remembering to post cards, whereas she maybe leaves it a bit last minute sometimes. I don’t know! 

3. Get drunk

I don’t think either of us drink anymore. 

4. Be sleepy

Probably me, I’m forever in a state of tiredness thanks to 10 years of insomnia and being a mum to a toddler!

5. Be inpatient

Probably me I hate waiting around

6. Fall whilst walking

Both! We’re both clumsy shits that are forever hurting ourselves! 

7. Laugh at the wrong moment

I’m gonna say me, purely because my natural first reaction to most things is to laugh…I laughed when my Nan fell and broke her arm for christ sake! (I was worrying too and helping her I didn’t just point and laugh I’m not a cunt lol)

8. Fart in public

I don’t think either of us would to be honest. If we did then we’d both style it out as if it wasn’t us. 

9. Be a flirt

I’ll say me because I’m the single one! 

10. Spend all their money on something stupid

Neither of us are overly bad with money really so I don’t know 

11. Get a stalker

Her at the moment ๐Ÿ˜‚ though I’ve had my share in the past too.

12. Cry in a sad movie

Both. We’re both rather emotional ladies!

13. Talk to animals?

Me? I talk to anything, even inanimate objects lol 

14. Marry a celebrity

Again I’ll say me because I’m single lol Johnny Depp just hasn’t asked me yet ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‚

15. Be the first one to die in a zombie apocalypse

If it comes to running away then me…I can’t run long distances and I’m so unfit these days I’d just hand myself over to them and be done with it

16. Be a drama queen

In a piss take sense I would 

17. Watch animes

If that means those weird Japanese anime films then her? I can’t stand them haha!

18. Listen to classical music

Both of us

19. Always be the happy one 

Erm I think she’s more smiley than me…I have more of a resting bitch face most the time lol 

20. Be a fan of Star Wars

Her. I prefer Star Trek 

21. Skydive

Her I’m too much of a wimp 

22. Be hungry 24/7

Me ๐Ÿ˜‚ I’m always hungry 

23. Know all the words to a TV show theme song

Me, I learn lyrics super quick 

24. Drop their phone after they bought them

Her I think. 

25. Have the most piercings

Me, seeing as I have 12 

26. Hold their breath the longest

Her? I’m pretty shit at holding my breath 

27. Give all their money to charity

Neither of us would give ALL our money to charity, we both have kids we need to support. We’re both charitable people though 

28. Ask some stupid questions

Probably me I have some really thick moments sometimes 

29. Be the best at math

Her. I’ve always been crap at maths that wasn’t simple adding and subtracting 

30. Worry about small things

I think we’re both very guilty of doing that! 

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น

Another random quiz to pass the time!

So I found this quiz on google when looking for some Tag things to do, and I gotta admit I don’t really like the name of this quiz ‘Common white girl tag questions list’…but I’ll answer the questions anyway for something to pass the time! 

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Are you racist?

No I am not thank you. I don’t care what colour your skin is or what religion you follow etc, as long as you’re nice to me and other people then it’s all good.

How long do you take to get ready?

That depends really, if I’m just staying in then about 20 mins, if I’m going out shopping or anything then maybe an hour mainly because I can never decide what I feel comfy enough in to wear!

How many selfies do you take per day?

I don’t take selfies every day, unless you count Snapchat which can be anything from one to a lot more if I’m having a convo with someone. I do have some days where I post more selfies on social media than others though.

Whatโ€™s your favorite Starbucks drink?

I’ve never had a Starbucks drink! 

Do you ever say โ€œOMGโ€ or โ€œLOLโ€ out loud?

No, I’m not a moron, those kinds of abbreviations are for online only, if I want to say omg in person then I will say “oh my god”. 

Do you wear the same clothing item more than once?

Yeah there’s nout wrong with that if it’s still clean and doesn’t smell. Obviously I change my underwear every day, but I can have the same pair of jeans for 2 weeks purely because I don’t wear them every day and they don’t get dirty in between days so no point in washing them. 

How many Instagram followers and pictures do you have?

I have 89 followers and 3765 posts on there.

How many tweets do you have?

I’m pretty new to twitter, so I have no idea how to find that out and I can’t be bothered to go and count lol 

Facebook, Twitter or Instagram?

Either Facebook or Instagram, I’m not overly keen on twitter 

What do you spend most of your time doing?

Laughing with my daughter, scrolling social media, singing, colouring, writing.

Who are your favorite YouTubers?

I’ve got a few; Joe Sugg, Zoe Sugg, Alfie Deyes, Jim Chapman, Louise Pentland, Emily Boo, Miles Dread Prower, Jazzybum, Sophie Louise, Raven, Giovanna Fletcher, Black Friday, Emma Blackery, Dave Erasmus, Mark Ferris, Safiya Nygaard.

How often do you cut your nails?

I don’t cut them they break easily and never grow long 

Are you a shopaholic?

No not really 

Do you take pictures of your food before you eat it?

Sometimes to show mum what I’ve cooked lol 

How do you usually style your hair?

I brush it does that count lol 

How many times have you watched Mean Girls?

Too many 

Do you own a lot of clothes?

Yeah I guess so 

Do you wear makeup every day?

Most days 

Do you always look presentable?

Probably not haha! 

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น

Relationship Story Time: Sleeping With My Boss Didn’t Get Me A Pay Rise

Please note, names in this story have been changed. 

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When I was working in retail, there were 2 guys I worked with who I took a shining to, but because I lacked in confidence I never admitted this. The guy I liked the most didn’t give me any hints to liking me more than a friend, we had great banter with each other and he actually helped to design the large tattoo I have on the top of my right arm- but I think I was friend zoned as far as I could tell so I gave up on the hopes of anything ever happening and was just glad of our friendship. 

The other guy I liked, was my boss- for this I’ll call him Ben. One night, myself and the work crew all went to our local pub where we spent most weekends together, but Ben couldn’t join us as he was working away at a different store. Throughout the night myself and Ben were texting as he was just by himself in his hotel room wishing he was with us lot instead as he was bored of being there by himself. I had a day off the following day, so I told Ben I’d get the train and keep him company for the night- he didn’t believe I would, so me being me I got on a train the next morning and text him to say I’d meet him at the store he was working in…I don’t think he really believed me until I was stood in front of him! 

Once the store had closed, we went to the pub with some of the other staff, and someone I knew joined us for a bit too as he lived nearby. Myself and Ben then walked back to where he was staying. 

Once we got to the hotel, Ben put the TV on, told me to make myself at home, then (what I thought) joked about me joining him in the shower to which I laughed and declined. When Ben came out of the shower, he dropped his towel…my reaction? I laughed! Purely because his bag on the end of the bed was positioned like a movie shot to hide his ‘man parts’ from show haha! Ben then picked his towel up and laughed when I told him what was funny, then sat on the bed while I sat on the chair. 

After a while, Ben said “are you going to sit there all night or are you going to come get comfy” so I then joined him on the bed where much to my surprise he pulled me towards him to cuddle me. I’m just going to add here, that I had no intentions when I decided to keep him  company, even though I liked him I was literally going as a friend to keep him company for the night. You can probably guess what happened next. 

The next morning, Ben text my supervisor to say I’d be late in because of the trains. We then left the hotel, he went off to work and I went off to get my train to work. That day at work was so uncomfortable though- let’s just say Ben was ‘big built’ in the trouser department and I was rather small built…ouch. Think I was walking like a cowboy for the next few days haha! 

I joked to Ben saying “so now I’ve slept with the boss I get a pay rise right?”. Safe to say I didn’t get a pay rise, but I was able to leave work early sometimes and have longer breaks if I was with him- we often fooled around a little when left alone in his office or in the stock room…all above clothing might I add, so no stock was ‘damaged’ haha!

A few years later we actually found out that I’d moved in just 10 doors away from him so we did meet up a few times, mainly just to keep each other company, have a cuddle and some cheeky kisses, though one day he came over and more than that happened…bit of advice for you- summer + leather sofa + naked bodies do not go well!

Myself and Ben never had anything serious together, which looking back is a good thing as he’s not the most faithful of people! We were just kinda friends with benefits I guess as we were both single at the time so it was ‘harmless fun’ as some may call it. We haven’t spoken properly for ages, mainly because he works a lot and is in a relationship now, but we check in on each other every now and again. 

So sleeping with my boss didn’t get me a pay rise, but it was kinda worth it haha!

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น

Does being an only child make you want more than 1 child?

This is a question I’ve been asked for years even before I was pregnant with my daughter. 

Growing up, most if not all of my friends had atleast one sibling. I can’t say I ever longed for a brother or sister, but sometimes I guess I wished I had someone to play games with…for an only child I had a lot of multi player board games but no one to play with. My mum didn’t always have the time to sit and play snakes and ladders with me, so I’d quite often play it by myself in my room, which could get pretty lonely at times. The good thing about being an only child though, was that I never had to share the attention I did get with anyone else; my mum was mine and no one else’s, so I did quite like being an only child 99% of the time. 

However, now that I’m 24, and everyone around me is getting older, I wish that I did have a sibling. As morbid as this is going to sound, when my parents die, I’ll have no one ‘above me’ in the family (presuming that grandparents and other older relatives have gone by then). And that terrifies me. It would be me that would have to arrange funerals etc (though my mum actually wants her body to go to medical science so I guess I wouldn’t have to sort a funeral, but I would still have to sort her stuff alone etc). In all honesty, thinking about it I’m not sure how I’d actually find out if my dad has died in the future, because the only family member of his that he speaks to is his own dad and I can’t see him outliving my dad…that’s a worrying thought. Anyway, it’s not just the fact of having to sort everything by myself, it’s the fact that I’d have no one to really grieve with; being a mum I would have to be the strong one for my daughter, but I’d have no one for me if that makes sense? I don’t see my cousins, or have a close bond with them anymore so when all the older relatives pass away I won’t even have the support of my cousins who are a few years older than me…I’m the youngest adult of the family. 

So this kinda made me think about my own daughter. I would hate for her to be alone once I pass away and have to deal with everything by herself. Since having her, I said that I’m happy enough just with her and wouldn’t really want anymore children, though if it happens it happens… but recently I’ve changed my mind. I think that I want one more child, when my daughter is a bit older I’m not saying I want one right now; purely so that she always has someone once I’m gone. Is that kinda selfish in a sense? I don’t know. 

The only thing is, I’m fine with being single, and if I could have a baby just by myself I’d be perfectly fine I don’t think I really want to ‘share’ parenting because I’ve done it alone this time round and I wouldn’t want to miss out on things because the father was ‘in charge’ at the time…does that make sense? Also, if I were to be in a stable relationship with a genuine loving man, and we had a child together, I wouldn’t want him to push my daughter out because of not being blood related…I think before I would even consider having a child with a stable relationship the man would have to prove that he will be a Dad to my daughter too and not push her out or treat her differently. Obviously when you have kids and get into any relationship, they have to accept your child and treat them as their own in my opinion. Me and and my daughter are a team, if you want to love me you’ll have to love her too or you’re gone. 

In all honesty, I think in the future if I can afford IVF treatment privately then I probably would go for it. I don’t want another child just for me, I want another child for my daughter too. I might consider adoption of a baby, however as horrible as this sounds I wouldn’t want to adopt a child who is likely to have inherited issues purely because I wouldn’t want my daughter to end up pushed out from me having to give extra care to another child because of their issues, it just wouldn’t be fair on her. (Please note I have nothing against disabilities etc of any kind, I’ve been a support worker and I want to help the vulnerable people with these issues, if I didn’t have my daughter and was looking in to adoption then I would purposely choose the child with the disability to give my full attention to and because they’re more likely to stay in care longer. But because I already have a daughter, it wouldn’t be fair on either of them. Obviously if I had a 2nd child of my own and they were born with issues it’s a bit different. It’s hard to explain but I’m being realistic here not a dickhead)

I’m saying all this, and in years to come my daughter could say to me that she never wants a sibling haha! But hey I’m just venting my recent thoughts I guess. They probably make no sense, but ah well life doesn’t always make sense does it! 

Anyone else ever had the same kinda thoughts as me on this subject? 

๐Ÿ”นimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be๐Ÿ”น