“Am I not pretty enough?”

Last night I made the mistake of looking through old photos at silly o’clock and comparing myself to how I used to be in those photos. Not gonna lie, it made me feel pretty shit and realise I have pretty much 0 confidence anymore.

I’ve always had self esteem and self confidence issues, but they’re a million times worse nowadays. I hate it. But I’m my own worst enemy as I don’t have the motivation levels to stick to exercising and healthy eating- I give up too easily if i don’t see instant results and I mean really instant like doing a day of being healthy and expecting to look different when I look in the mirror, I’m impatient when it comes to myself.

Before I had my daughter, I never weighed more than 7 1/2 to 8stone. I was 7stone when I fell pregnant then went up to almost 13 from how big my bump was, and now I’m just under 9stone. My skin used to be pretty good I rarely had to wear foundation, whereas now no matter what face creams I use my skin is dry and I don’t feel comfortable enough to go out without makeup on. My hair used to have life to it but now it’s thinner and lifeless and I’m never happy with the colour of it.

I know that 9stone isn’t over weight, it’s actually a healthy weight for my height of 5ft 9, but to me it feels heavy I’d rather be 8 stone and have my stomach and legs a bit more toned again like they used to be I’m too wobbly for my liking at the moment.

Looking at the old photos not only made me feel worse about how I look now, but it made me feel proper lonely. I used to have so many friends and fun nights out, there was rarely a weekend I wouldn’t be with friends.

Whereas these days I’m lucky to even get a text every day that isn’t from my mum. Only person who really bothers with me is Sof. Now I know I moved away from my hometown, which I’m still glad I did, but it would be nice to atleast have people who want to know how I am still.

It also made me feel pretty shit that back then I did actually get a lot of male attention, even if it was just a guy doing a double take and smiling at me. Back then it didn’t mean anything to me I just kinda ignored it really, but looking back and comparing it to now… I don’t even get a first glance these days let alone a second or a smile, so that in itself has knocked my self esteem and made me feel even less attractive.

I don’t know, I just feel really shite when it comes to my looks etc lately. Kinda feel like I’ve disappeared in a sense. And for some reason I’m hating most of my tattoos, mainly my arms- looking at older photos I just think I looked better without them especially my left arm. But there’s nothing I can do about that now, I can’t afford laser removal and the thought of the blistering healing process turns my stomach. I think if I could remove the left half sleeve I have I’d feel better as it’s just too dark and I hate it…but I can’t justify spending thousands on removal.

I just appear to really hate myself lately.

Anyone else get days like that? Or is it just me

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

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TreatBox UK unboxing

I am obsessed with stationery. The amount of notebooks I own you’d think I was some reporter or something! I need a job with my own desk for pretty pens and notebooks etc to go on!

So I thought I’d give TreatBox UK a go. It’s £12 a month, free standard uk postage, and you get a box at the beginning of each month. You can also build your own boxes and buy items from the site too. So here’s my first box!

All the items are high quality, and just so pretty to look at! I’m hoping that February’s box is going to be all red themed with hearts etc for valentines, but I’ll have to wait and see!

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Chatty Tuesday

How’s your day going?

I’ve had a pretty lazy morning really, my daughter woke up just after 11am after a late night so it was the perfect excuse to stay in bed with the electric blanket on! Now I know a lot of women who will wear skimpy silky nightdresses to bed to look ‘sexy’…I have never been that type of person I like my comfy snuggly pjays! For Christmas my Nan got me some super soft leopard print ones which I adore! Though it’s been so cold that I’ve had to actually wear socks to bed too! So I chose my Harry Potter socks my mum got me for Christmas 🙂

I choose comfort over sexiness any day 😂

This afternoon myself and my daughter have been prancing round the kitchen to Panic! At The Disco while baking little cupcakes. I’ll be honest, I only really wanted to make them to get that nice baking smell in my house haha! It’ll be a miracle if my daughter tries one, but if she won’t eat them my mum and stepdad will. I’m not an overly cakey person if I’m honest, especially if it’s not chocolate so I won’t be eating these. I’m much more of a donut kinda person.

Have you got much planned this week? I’ve got my mum coming over tomorrow as usual, then Thursday morning I have a dentist appointment about my painful annoying wisdom teeth! Then I’m going to have a look in the local Superdrug to see if they’ve got any of the Zoella Christmas range left as it’s all gone down in price again, so fingers crossed I can grab some bargains to cheer me up after having to wake up early and see the dentist! I’ve made a Spotify playlist to keep me awake on the bus I’m just hoping the weather won’t be as shit as last week I almost fell over in town because of the wind last week, if I was next to a road I woulda been blown into it so I’m glad that didn’t happen but was still rather embarrassing all the same!

Now I’m just watching something I recorded last night called Next Of Kin with Jack Davenport James Norrington in Pirates Of The Caribbean which seems pretty good so far. There’s a professor green documentary thing on later tonight that I’m looking forward to, he’s great at presenting documentaries I’ve watched all of them so far. Interesting life I lead right? 😂

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

First week of January 2018 almost done…

How’s yours been?

I know many people spend New Year’s Eve getting drunk then New Year’s Day being hung over and feeling like death. How did I spend mine? Well I’m a single mum who would rather welcome the new year in with my daughter for a start so I was tucked up indoors with her. We stayed awake til midnight, i tucked my daughter up and was about to fall asleep at around 1am when my daughter suddenly sat up and projectile vomited all over the bed. So I had to wash her hair get her changed and change the bed sheets…when she got back in bed she felt absolutely boiling hot even though she was just in a nappy, so I called 111. They just told me to keep an eye on her and try get some calpol in her to bring temperature down, but that if she’s settled asleep to leave her and just keep an eye. I stayed awake all night watching her terrified that she’d have a seizure or be sick. She woke up around 830/9am and was still boiling hot to touch so I called 111 again but they just told me to make sure she’s drinking and peeing plenty and to again just keep an eye on her. Luckily by the evening she picked up and wasn’t as hot anymore, and by the next day she was back to her usual self! So goodness knows what made her poorly, but it terrified me as she’s never ill. I’m just glad she’s ok now.

There’s an old wives tale that it’s bad luck to do washing on January 1st…well I had to do washing, I had bedsheets towels and pjays that were covered in puke and there was no way I was gonna just leave it til the next day! So that’s a great start right?!

I’ve decided that I want to try and find something creative I can do/make that I could potentially even sell just to make some pocket money in a sense. I wanted to use my designs to make pin badges, but it’d cost me a fortune to get them made. So instead, I’m teaching myself how to make embroidery patches by hand I don’t have a sewing machine or money to get one. I made one on felt just to give it a go. Obviously it’s not perfect at all, but for a first attempt of something I’ve never done before I think I done pretty good.

Practice makes perfect though right! I’ll just keep trying til I feel I’m up to a standard of being able to sell them. I’d probably sell them for around £5-£6 including postage. I’d love to sell them for £3-£4, but obviously I’d need to make money on them from having to pay postage and for envelopes. Though I think I would probably do ‘deals’ where it would be buy one get one for £1 or something. I don’t know it’s all stuff to think about once I’m happy enough to sell them, as obviously I’m not going to sell anything til their up to standard. Watch this space!

On twitter, Duncan Jones David Bowie’s son has started up a Bowie Book Club, where you read through some of David’s favourite books to kinda honour him in a sense as he adored books and reading. The first book is Hawksmoor by Peter Ackroyd which I luckily managed to find on amazon secondhand for £3 before everyone went crazy and put their prices up to almost £1000!

Anyone know how I go about selling coins? Looking online I’ve got some 50p coins that have sold on eBay for £7000, but I don’t know how to go about selling them without using eBay. It’s the battle of Hastings one and Isaac Newton too. So any coin collectors let me know! Lol

Anyway I just wanted to post to simply keep active on here really. I’m still having severe writers block unfortunately!

I hope you’ve all had a good first week of 2018.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

My thoughts on Logan Paul

I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of Logan Paul until today on social media where his name appeared everywhere in anger. So, I went to YouTube to find the video everyone was angry with to ‘judge’ for myself. I wish I didn’t.

For those who haven’t seen it, he basically went into a woodland area in Japan (I think it’s Japan don’t quote me on that) known as suicide forest because of how many suicides happen in it. Which is fine, if you’re gonna be respectful etc. What he done wrong, was to film and post what he saw. He and his friends found someone who had hung them self.

Now think just for a moment, if you were to find a dead person, you wouldn’t be holding the camera filming it and being perfectly fine almost smirking would you? I know I wouldn’t, that camera would be down and I’d be going to check if said person was actually dead while getting someone to call the police.

Logan Paul not only filmed from a distance, but he went and stood next to the man who had ended his life, and actually done a fairly close up shot of how the mans hands had gone purple. He then stood and laughed and joked…which yes is sometimes a natural reaction for some people when dealing with certain things, I for example will laugh when someone is hurt because it’s a nervous reaction but you can see in my face that I’m genuinely worried etc and I’ll be doing all I can to help- laughing stops me crying. However, watching his reaction…you woulda thought he’d just seen someone trip over or get kicked in the balls, rather than standing next to a dead body.

Logan Paul tried to say he was showing the footage to raise awareness. This is not how you raise awareness of suicide prevention. His actions were beyond disrespectful, he should never have filmed it and certainly should never have posted it online for the world to see, even more so because young people can and do watch his videos.

If he wanted to include his experience, he shoulda cut the camera and done a sit down talk about it with NO VISUAL AIDS to it. He should not have posted it online.

As for his apology video…it’s quite clearly something he’s reading, and he’s completely bullshitting going by his facial expressions and body language. It’s not sincere at all.

I feel sorry for him for the fact he found a dead body, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But, he was disrespectful, disgusting, and just plain vile to video it in such detail and post it online. His YouTube channel needs to be removed, and if I were the family of the deceased man I’d be suing him for the video.

I advise anyone who hasn’t seen it, to please not go and find reuploads of it online. The video footage is disturbing and harmful. So please, please don’t watch it.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Happy New Year 2018

I hope whatever you’ve been doing for New Years has been good, and that you’ve been sensible and got home safely if you’ve been out drinking.

I know there’s gonna be a lot of the new year new me posts, and I just wanna say don’t let yourself fall into that stressful trap of pressure. If you wanna change something about yourself or your life then do it only for you, and don’t beat yourself up if you ‘fail’ a resolution, either pick yourself up and start again or move on. If you wanna set goals, then only set realistic ones, this way it lessens the chance of disappointment and annoyance! Nothing is worth stressing over- stress can make you ill both mentally and physically so this year just look after yourself, listen to your body and mind, take some time for yourself even if it’s just 5 mins to have a breather. Be kind, be honest, be strong, be caring, but most importantly…be you.

Stay safe guys and girls. And if you’re reading this while nursing a hangover, get plenty of water and food in ya! If you’re somehow reading this while drunk, try and drink a pint of water before bed and eat something, it’ll help with the hangover lol

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Do you make New Years resolutions?

It’s never been something I’ve done personally. Purely for the fact that I’d be really pissed off if I didn’t complete any of them as well as having terrible motivation levels when it comes to things to do with myself.

I know some people make the resolution to be happier, but that’s not something you can really control in a sense as you never know what may happen that could be upsetting. And anyway, it’s perfectly healthy to not be happy 24/7, it’d be exhausting to constantly be smiling, and quite honestly it’d be a psychopathic trait if you stayed happy when something bad happened wouldn’t it? So it’s not really a realistic goal to set.

I think the most popular one is to be more healthy and get fit. Which is great if you can stick to it and do it properly, but some people then get an unhealthy obsession with it all or want quick results so use dangerous diets etc. Personally I’d love to be more fit and healthy, but my motivation when it comes to it is near on non existent haha!

So this year I’m still not making any resolutions. There are just a couple of things that I need to do in preparation for my daughter starting school in the summer which is to get her fully toilet trained, and to try and get her to eat better and be less fussy with food which is gonna be the real tricky task as she’s stubborn and too clever for her own good you can’t trick her or bribe her into eating anything or trying anything new.

Whenever I manage to pass my driving test second attempt is booked for in the new year I obviously want to take my daughter out more to various places and visit my home town more often. But that’s only something I can do once I’ve passed and have my own car obviously.

Some people think that I’m a negative person in the way I think, more pessimistic than optimistic- glass half empty rather than half full kinda person. This isn’t true as I am neither…I am a realist. I think realistically in order to avoid major disappointment and upset. If someone asked me the glass water question, I’d ask if it had been full up to the half way point or if some had been emptied in order to give my answer on if it’s half full or half empty, and there is nothing wrong with being realistic so it annoys me when people accuse me of being a pessimist just because I don’t live in a dreamland made of sunshine and lolly pops.

Do you have any New Years resolutions? Did you stick to your ones from 2017?

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹