I was just listening to a random playlist on Spotify, when Avril Lavigne Complicated came on.
I love old Avril music so I was pretty happy, until my mind went mad!
All of a sudden it was like names and flash backs popped into my head of guys who acted differently when alone with me compared to when in public/with others…all thanks to the lines “you’re not fooling anyone when you become somebody else round everyone else”….”you’re trying to be cool, you’re looking like a fool to me”.
I’ll start with Benjamin.
He’s the twin brother of my then close gay friend Blake- we became quite close and would text all the time, he’d even come pick me up while his house was free. He was always very cuddly and just lovely when it was just us, but infront of anyone else I was just a friend.
He was never nasty or anything, but it was almost like he didn’t want others knowing he liked me- I was the most ‘different’ looking girl he’d gone for regarding my tattoos etc.
He did really bug me though when he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship but then kinda replaced me with a girl in our friend group called Kat which made us drift apart a fair bit!
Another lad was Sam A, I actually met him through the dating app plenty of fish I think but it turned out we had a mutual friend David anyway.
He would take me over to his house and he would be the most cuddliest person I’ve ever met, and we’d play fight or he’d torture me by tickling me, we’d generally just have a really nice time together just enjoying each others company.
I remember one day I’d been at his, and his brother text him to say he’d let his friends in and they were waiting downstairs for him…highly embarrassing doing ‘the walk of shame ‘ and sitting in a room of lads while I looked a little flustered!
But when we were sitting downstairs with them Sam didn’t even sit with me, and barely spoke to me really until he said to his friends he was taking me home so he’d see them later.
At the time I was more dying inside knowing that his friends blatantly knew what we’d been doing upstairs, but looking back at it now, it was a bit shitty of him to not try and include me.
If I ever saw Sam out in town on nights out he’d always come give me a kiss and cuddle no matter who was about and happily stand chatting to me out in the smoking area.
But again he was another one who ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ but soon got into one with someone else and pretty much forgetting my existence lol
Andy was kinda different.
He was a barman in a club called Censo that I’d go to every Thursday for their rock/alternative night, and he caught my eye…I stupidly told my cousin who worked there and she gave him my number and made him introduce himself which was pretty awkward!
Anyway, quite often I’d go back to his once censo closed as he lived up the road above one of the other clubs.
He was a complete sweetheart, and we’d have a laugh playing games or simply chat for hours on end whilst making a fuss of his cat Princess.
If any of his mates came over, he would still happily sit with his arm round me or his hand on my leg, and make it kinda obvious there was something going on… but then during rock nights he’d flirt behind the bar whenever he served me and always doubled or tripled the shot in my drinks, and we’d make kinda flirty glances across at each other but on his fag breaks he would kinda chat to me as if I was just a mate.
Was rather confusing as I never knew where I stood with Andy…and so bloody annoying/out of order when he would flirt with other girls infront of me! But I’d get questioned on who people were if he saw me chatting to a bloke or hugging someone.
And you guessed it, he was another one who ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ but happily lead me on for fuck knows how long!
Seems to be a running pattern here don’t you think lol
On the other side of the scale, one of my actual exes Dan H would almost be too nice infront of people.
He was lovely enough no matter who was around, but when we were at the pub together (he was the DJ when I worked n lived at the western) it was like he was trying to prove to everyone that he was treating me well and that he was nothing like my ex Jamie who treated me terribly infront of everyone and behind closed doors too.
I pretty much had him wrapped round my little finger, which I don’t like in a relationship I like a man to have a backbone and not ask how high if I say jump.
It was really strange, because usually guys would become nasty bastards around their friends and not want to hold my hand or really be seen with me in general… maybe I just over analysed that one at the time and found it odd that he was nice to me because I wasn’t used to it?
One person who has never changed around other people, is actually Mackenzie who I’ve known since senior school but we got ‘reunited’ when I lived with our then mutual friend Jack and he came over all the time.
Now Jack would tell me constantly that Mackenzie fancied me, and Mackenzie himself would flirt a bit and say things like he was gonna stay over in my room with me… but I just always assumed they were winding me up and didn’t mean it so I took no notice really.
Though one night when we went out to a club called Wonderland, mackenzie made sure I wasn’t being left on my own and was even making a tit of himself on the podiums doing running man to make me laugh (he’s like 6ft 7, so seeing him do the running man was hilarious!).
He also came over one evening to keep me company while I was home alone so we sat watching a film, and I know at one point he had his arm around me and his thumb was stroking my shoulder…but me being a twat I just ignored it really and thought that he was just doing it to be nice.
Fast forward a couple years and he admits to me that he was actually deadly serious about liking me…oops!
When I’ve visited my hometown he has without fail joined me in the Harvester with a couple of my friends to see me- he has never once spoken down to me to make me sound or look stupid, he’s never been nasty, he’s always been the perfect gentleman really. Obviously he winds me up in a playful way because that’s what our humour is like but he’s never ever been genuinely horrible to me either alone or infront of others.
I don’t know why people change infront of others, with me if i am loving towards someone behind closed doors then I’m gonna be the same no matter who’s around…I have no issues with holding hands or having a hand on their leg if we’re sat chilling with others; obviously I’m not gonna be all over them in public as I just don’t find that appropriate but the odd quick kiss or cheeky bum grab is fine in my opinion.
It makes me feel pretty shit really that at least 90% of men I’ve been involved with in one way or another have all acted kinda ashamed to be seen with me, or at least ashamed to show infront of others that they like me.
It’s like, what’s so wrong with me that you gotta hide your feelings and act differently when other people are around?
I don’t ever show people up in any way seeing as I’m always polite, have self respect, and if it’s people I don’t know I can be kinda shy (but never rude or antisocial) so it’s not like I’m a loud mouth embarrassment.
Just sometimes makes me question myself in a sense I guess.
Makes me feel like their ‘dirty little secret’ which I don’t like being.
If I like someone then I’m not afraid of the world to know about it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me to be honest, I seem to give the most attention to the men who treat me like shit and make me feel awful about myself, but then either push aside or not believe the genuinely nice guys that do actually like me for who I am. Anyone else get that?
It’s like subconsciously I’m telling myself I don’t deserve a nice genuine guy because I’ve only ever really been in relationships with complete cockwombles.
Funny how one simple song can bring so many memories and thoughts to the front of your brain isn’t it?
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹