Chatty…whatever day it is

I can’t bloody sleep!!!

Just lately I’ve found it near on impossible to fall asleep before 2am no matter how tired I am. Joys of insomnia eh! I do however hope that it goes away by next week…on my driving test day I’ve gotta wake up at about 5am :/

So it’s Wednesday and of course that means my mum is coming over. We’re gonna be making some Christmas wreaths with pom-poms which should be fun! Then Im probably gonna get drenched walking to the shop and post office (actually sold an item on depop I’m quite impressed) before my smear test appointment. Fun day right! But atleast I don’t have to wake up as early on Thursday this week, as my driving lesson is at around 10am I say around 10 because my instructor may be a bit late. Only annoying thing about having a lesson finish at 1pm is that by the time I’ve popped into the shop and walked back, my stepdad will be arriving to pick my mum up so I don’t get a chance to just chill for half an hour after my lesson. Ah well, let’s hope it’ll be my last lesson!!

I’ve mentioned previously how this year I’m more excited about Christmas because my daughter is starting to get what it is…or atleast she knows about Santa and that he has reindeers that fly etc etc. She’s 3, obviously she won’t understand the whole concept yet but it’s a start! I’ve actually just ordered one of her presents from amazon, it’s a laughing monkey thing which laughs and wiggles about and farts…she’s gonna find it hilarious! Anyway, I’m even more excited about it this year because my Nan is actually able to come and stay for Christmas!! She’s never spent Christmas Day with my daughter, so it will be so nice for her to join us. Her brother and sister in law are bringing her up somewhere between the 16th-20th December, then I have no idea when they’ll pick her up. I just can’t wait to have her here for Christmas. We always go to my mums, and at certain parts of the day she has to go out to sort the cows and calf’s with their food etc my stepdad is a dairy farmer which means I’m usually left indoors on my own while my daughter plays with the dog or runs about like a loon, so it’ll be nice to have someone else there to keep me company 🙂 I really wanted my Nan to spend a few nights at my house, but I don’t know if she will because I’m worried about her tripping over one of my daughters toys or something she has rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis so it’s really not good for her to fall, she’s easily breakable! But hopefully we’ll sort something out so we get to see her plenty too, as I know she desperately wants to spend time with my daughter who she hasn’t seen in person since her 2nd birthday I think. Been a long time!!

I’m really hating my skin at the moment, I think the cold weather is making it all dry it’s driving me insane!! But I can never find decent face creams that 1. Don’t bring me out in spots or a rash 2.Don’t feel sticky once applied 3. Sit nicely under makeup 4. Don’t cost the earth to buy! Garnier I’m looking at you…best part of a tenner for a small tub!! Oh the struggles eh!

Anyway, I guess I’d better attempt to get some sleep, though I’m feeling rather awake which is annoying. Gotta get up and get bathed in the morning my hair seriously needs washing I’ve been holding out on washing my hair til today because I haven’t been anywhere since I last washed it and I like to try and give my hair a break…especially as you’re not meant to wash your hair everyday anyway!

Hope you all have a good week 🙂

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

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November 20th.

What I’ve learnt/what’s changed since November 20th 2011- the date I was hospitalised for attempted suicide.

1. Self harming doesn’t make me feel better, it just hurts, makes a mess and makes me angry at myself so isn’t worth doing. (Haven’t done for around 5 years)

2. I’m terrified of dying, so I didn’t want to die in the first place and wouldn’t ever try to do it again.

3. I need to stop letting people control my emotions- toxic people need to be kept far away.

4. There’s more toxic people around than I originally thought. (Most if not all have been removed from my life)

5. I don’t find medication helpful, I am better just the way I am knowing my triggers and how to not give in to them etc.

6. I’m stronger than I ever have been, and it took that bad breakdown to build that strength. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Though it took a while to realise that.

7. That I am infact a decent person that doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit.

8. I need to stop listening to other people’s negative comments towards me- years of being put down by others for no reason made me believe everything they said (like being fat, ugly, not deserving happiness etc). The words still haunt me a bit but nowhere near as much as they used to.

9. I’m not as stupid as people think, and I shouldn’t let their disbelief drag me down because I am far from stupid.

10. Falling out with my family over petty childish arguments is ridiculous. All they’ve done is try to look out for me (like mum banning Rhys from coming over because he treated me badly, instead of seeing it I argued and moved out to a shitty hostel).

11. I’m perfectly fine on my own, and don’t need to rely on others to make me happy.

12. Sleeping with people doesn’t make me feel better about myself, it does the opposite. (Few years ago I went through a time of sleeping around a bit with various male friends which was very unlike me, but I just wanted the affection I hadn’t been getting from previous relationships and hated myself every time and felt disgusting)

13. I don’t have to be bossed around by men im in a relationship with. Same as I don’t have to be their slave, or stay with them because ‘no one else would ever want me’. I deserve a decent loving relationship.

14. Alcohol doesn’t solve anything. When I worked at the pub I was drinking every day- not getting drunk but I was drinking far too much and not eating properly. Alcohol is a depressant so being depressed and drinking was a bad idea. (I now haven’t had a proper drink since September last year, and even then I only had 2 drinks)

15. I am not worthless, I am loved and have a purpose. Anyone who tells me different isn’t worth my time.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be 🔹

Happy Fucking Monday

Usually I like Mondays, because I hate weekends I’m usually wishing for Monday to hurry up. Well today I just wanna go back to bed and write the day off.

This morning I cleaned the living room, and trapped a nerve in the process. It didn’t help having my daughter go round behind me making a mess. She eventually left the room when I said I was about to hoover she’s not keen on the hoover, I swear she’s part cat she hates the hoover and loves getting in boxes.

My daughter is in one of the stroppiest moods today which is doing my head in…she’s squinnying and whinging and screaming about absolutely nothing. She had a hissy fit because I put her top in the washing machine…how dare I right?! She also screamed at me when I tried to wipe her nose from all the snot caused by the previous hissy fit. Though if you were to be in my house now, you wouldn’t believe any of that happened because she’s now sat quietly watching a cartoon called Vampirina!

I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy, because this week and next week are gonna be pretty stressful and anxiety filled. I’ve got my first smear test on Wednesday I’m not worried about the actual test, it’s the waiting for the results that is making me anxious and stressed, I then have my (hopefully) last 3 hour driving lesson on Thursday which im praying we can get all the manoeuvres done in. The week after, I’ll still be panicking about my smear test results as they take up to 10 working days to come through, and on the Thursday I have my driving test which I seriously just wanna pass. As much as I like my driving instructor because he’s hilarious, I’m getting fed up of just learning now because I know how to do everything I’m not learning anything new, I just gotta not let my nerves get to me! I just really wanna be able to drive now, I’ve been learning most of the year and I just want the freedom of being able to go wherever I want. Plus the fact it’s cost me best part of £1000 to learn so far!!

Enough of me ranting, time to try and chill myself out I’m getting a ‘stress headache’ which is the last thing I need!

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

The Zoella Advent Calendar Drama: stop the hate.

I’m really getting fed up of all the hate towards Zoe Sugg lately.

Yes, the advent calendar she bought out is extremely over priced for what is inside it, and in my opinion it woulda been nice to have a few more Zoella products inside it; however, that doesn’t mean I’m about to rip into her and drag her name through the mud, I just simply won’t be buying it! Because guess what, if you don’t like a product or think it’s overpriced you don’t have to buy it!

Also people are moaning about it only being 12 days and not 25. For a start, most advent calendars only got up to 24 anyway not 25, and secondly, have you not heard of “the 12 days of Christmas”?! Hers isn’t the only one in the world to be 12 days!!

Zoe has addressed the calendar issue in a recent vlog, so just accept it and move on, she has so many other products that are great and that are worth the money.

As for someone going back through her twitter to like 8 years ago and criticising her for certain words used such as ‘fat’ and ‘skank’, grow the fuck up. I know that when I was younger, it was ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ in a sense for people to use those terms, or to say things like “my mum is being gay and won’t let me go to the party”, with the word gay being used as a term for bitch or similar words. Obviously these days I wouldn’t dream of using those words in my vocabulary like that because I’m older and have grown up…just like Zoe is. No I’m not condoning the use of those words as insults before anyone pipes up and accuses. A lot can change in 8+ years, and a person can grow up in that time. I’ve always been good at reading people and figuring them out, and from what I’ve seen of Zoe and her family is that she’s a loving, generous, funny and kind person…she’s human she makes mistakes and learns from them just like everyone else. Just because she’s a young woman with her own brand, books, merchandise and YouTube channel, doesn’t mean she should be hounded and picked on like she has been these past few days. Give it a rest, stop trying to drag her down and pick at everything she does and just don’t buy her products or watch her videos if you don’t like them! It’s really that simple!

Another youtuber Jack done a video on the Zoella calendar and quite frankly ripped into it- now I like the majority of jacks videos, I’m not a jack hater at all I’m subscribed to his channel and follow him on social media. However this video was obviously done for comedic value (yes I did find bits of it funny) and to gain more views it’s what a lot of people on YouTube do it’s part of the whole ‘fame game’ and tbh fair play to him to use his initiative to do it because the views on that video really blew up! but for people to then go on and make personal attacks towards Zoe herself that are unrelated to the calendar at all is out of order.

And before anyone says it, no I’m not some ‘brainwashed crazed fan’; yes I enjoy her videos, yes I love her books, and yes I like SOME of her beauty products (infact this years Xmas and last years Xmas range are the only products I like so it’s not as if I love everything she brings out, the 2017 summer range for example I hated the scent of). I’m not sticking up for her just because I like her, I’m sticking up for her because I hate seeing ANYONE getting bullied and hounded by others especially over something so petty.

Give it up, only buy products that you like and ignore the ones you don’t like or aren’t interested in…simple!

This world has enough hate and bullshit in it, don’t add to it over something so ridiculous.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Chatty Thursday (because I forgot chatty Tuesday again!)

Christ sake I forgot chatty Tuesday again lol sorry! Have a chatty Thursday instead!

So this week has been an emotional one. On the 15th, it was on that day in 2013 that I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember noticing that my moods had changed, I craved quavers and apple juice all the time, and I had been feeling sick for a few weeks…then I realised that I was over a week late for my period, so I bought a pregnancy test. I was on my way into town to have a trial shift at a pasty shop where my friend worked, and because I was early and impatient I went into the toilets and done my test…much to my surprise it was positive! I remember sitting in the cubicle just staring at the test not believing my eyes. I then put it back in the box and into my bag so that I could go and do my trial shift. When I got home, I didn’t know what to do, or who to tell first if anyone. I think I phoned the doctors first to see if I needed an appointment which I did. Then I think I sent my mum a message on Facebook telling her- we hadn’t spoken properly for about 2 years so I didn’t have any other way of contacting her. That’s when our relationship got stronger again and has been ever since. I worked out that I was around 6 weeks pregnant, and the weird thing was, my lower stomach had already started to stick out more than usual- I was only around 7 stone or less when I fell pregnant so I was quite slim, and I just seemed to show quite early. So that memory kinda made me teary because it was so long ago.

I also had to apply for my daughters school place to start September 2018, which was even more upsetting as it’s just a reminder that she’s not a baby anymore and is growing up!

My little girl also had to have some immunisations done, the ‘pre school boosters’ I think they’re known as. Now myself and my mum do not like needles- mum being worse than me as it’s her who made me afraid of them in the first place. My daughter sat on a chair (I offered for her to sit on my lap but she didn’t want to), the nurse gave her the sticker boxes as a distraction and I put my arm around her to help hold her still. She had to have 2 needles, which the nurse said she’d do in the same arm just to get it done quicker. My daughter watched the whole process, when the first needle went in her little eyes welled up a bit and she said “ouch” and moved a little bit, but the nurse was to quick to get the second one in that my daughter had no time to really react apart from another little “ouch”. She was so brave and I’m unbelievably proud of her for doing so well, the nurse gave her 4 stickers, and my daughter even left saying thank you and smiling away perfectly fine. She’s braver than me and her Nanna that’s for sure!

Today, I received a letter from the NHS. Now this automatically makes me panic, as a major anxiety of mine is to do with anything being medically wrong with me or those I love. I open it up and it’s a letter about cervical screening (smear tests). Now I’m not 25 til May next year, but apparently they send out the letters when you’re about 24 n half now. I’m booked in for my screening next week on Wednesday…and I’m dreading it. You woulda thought that as someone who has had a baby, I’d be used to medical professionals looking between my legs…but nope! The thought of it makes me cross my legs really tight I hate the idea of people looking at my anatomy. I’m also gonna be on edge from now til I get my results, wondering if it’s all gonna be ok or if I’ll get an abnormal result etc. Cancer is something that REALLY terrifies me, like I’ve mentioned in a previous post about my throat. I mean, in my family there hasn’t been anyone with any issues to do with their cervix or anything in that area…so I’m hoping that goes in my favour. But either way it’s gonna play on my mind til I get the results back. It’s gonna be a long few months!! I need to remember though that even if it comes back as abnormal, that doesn’t necessarily mean I have cancer- a friend of mine has been messaging me saying how she had an abnormal result but that it wasn’t anything nasty etc, and it says the same in the leaflet they sent me. Why can’t there just be a blood test that checks your whole body for cancer etc? That would be so much easier lol. And having to wait around 10 days for the results is gonna drive me mad…why can’t it be like a pregnancy test and be done within 2 mins?! Urgh!!

I’m really glad my friend has started blogging again, especially for today as she’s said she’s gonna do a throwback Thursday kinda thing and talk about different memories etc which I love reading whether I’m part of the story or not I love listening to/reading people reminiscing, it’s something I love doing too. So I’ll be keeping an eye out for that later!

A few posts ago I wrote a kinda open letter thing to a friend. He asked the other day if he could come over at some point and just chill, so I was honest with him and said that I need to work on my anxiety first (also mentioned in previous posts about people being in my house) which I am really trying to do, but I think I’ll wait til my driving test and smear test results are all out of the way so that I don’t have that added stress and worry to deal with. It’s not good to take on too much at once.

As always, I have nothing planned for the weekend. I’ll probably just spend it reading and keeping an eye on my daughter as the nurse said that she could be a bit groggy so we’ll be taking it easy just in case. Next week, I obviously have my smear test on the Wednesday- luckily mum will be here so she can babysit- then Thursday I have a driving lesson from 10 til 1 which is my last lesson before my test which is the following week!

So many nerves flying about it’s unreal!

I hope you all have a good week and weekend 🙂 if you’ve had a smear test yourself, what was your experience?

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Product Review: Zoella Christmas Range 2017

Today I’m reviewing the Zoella Treasure Me Gift Box. I ordered it online from Superdrug for £30, and was lucky enough to be one of 500 people to receive a hand signed photo from Zoe Sugg, which are only available when you order online and are limited to just 500.

This morning, I thought I’d have a Zoella bath, so I used the bubble bath and the bath milk powder fit in the bath, then used the body lotion after.

The bubble bath is something I’ve not seen before; rather than it being in a bottle and you squeeze it out into your bath, you scoop it out and swirl it into your running water for instant bubbles. These products have the nicest scent I’ve ever found for bathing and skin care; it’s a very fresh and clean smell that isn’t over powering in the slightest I found the Zoella gelato range a bit strong for my liking. The scent of this range is Peonies, Pink Pepper, and Mint- though I personally can’t smell the mint at all which I’m not complaining about as mint can be quite a strong scent. Not only do these products smell absolutely beautiful, but they make your skin so soft! Even just getting into the water, it felt like I was getting into a bath of warm silk the water just felt so soft it was strange! And the bubbles even felt soft…it’s difficult to explain but it is just heavenly.

The body lotion is quite thick, and you don’t need much as it does go far. You do really have to massage it in where it’s thick, but it doesn’t leave your skin sticky it rubs in lovely and leaves your skin so unbelievably soft you’ll honestly want to just stroke yourself.

I have also tried the hand cream which again isn’t over powering with the scent, and leaves your hands feeling soft and nourished. The scent also stays on your hands for hours after application, even after washing up or eating any food with your hands the scent stays pretty much all day.

I would 100% recommend this Christmas range. I hate that it’s only available for Christmas, so I’ll be stocking up on as much as I can so I don’t run out for a while! I’m currently waiting for the Body Mist to arrive from superdrug which came in a set with the body lotion for £12 from superdrug, so when that arrives I’ll do a little review post on that too. I’m definitely going to stock up on the hand cream and maybe the bath scoop bubble bath…I just wish it was available all year or atleast Xmas every year lol

10/10 rating for this Zoella Christmas range. I love it.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Random burst of energy, cleaning, and SpongeBobs d***

So this morning I woke up feeling a bit groggy, I think I have a slight cold coming on or something, or just a bit run down.

Everything was going wrong I kept dropping stuff a whole pot of fucking toothpicks!! And banging myself on sideboards and door frames just generally having a clumsy day along with my daughter deciding to redecorate the living room door and parts of the wall in the hallway:

Cheers kid! Yes I’m aware the second drawing looks like it could be the penis belonging to spongebob squarepants as my stepdad kindly pointed out! Typically I can’t get it off the fucking wall!!

So after today I was feeling pretty tired, so decided that at 9pm we’d both go up to bed. I get my daughter sorted and she climbs into bed with the tablet watching YouTube while I was in the bathroom…suddenly I get this random burst of energy and decide that I wanted to clean my bathroom (everything but the floor as I didn’t want to be hoovering that late at night). Next thing I know, it’s been an hour and my chest is killing from the smell of bleach and other cleaning products I hate the smell of bleach and most cleaning products, far too strong! I’m quite pleased with how it all looks though…apart from around my tiles I’ve never been able to get them back to proper white since I moved in so they’re a kinda off white around the tiles which irritates me but other than that I’m pretty happy. I even managed to sort out my daughters bath toys and get rid of the ones that had gone a bit yuck from having trapped water in such as her rubber ducks…though it’s ok as my mum bought her replacement ones so she’s not left without!

I do however need to get a new bath mat for the floor as a few weeks ago whilst trying to kill a massive spider with bleach I completely forgot that bleach makes things change colour! So my purple bath mat now has white and pinky coloured patches. I also want a new funky shower curtain because I’m bored of mine and it has some hair dye on it.

In the morning, I really want to make a start on the bedrooms as my daughter has trashed them with toys and I haven’t put a pile of washing away. But that all depends on what mood I’m in when I wake up and how I’m feeling! If I’m too tired or feel rough then I will leave it til later on.

Anyone else get random bursts of energy and a sudden need to clean? I hate housework though obviously I still do it my house isn’t dirty so it doesn’t make much sense to me as to why I’d get a sudden urge to really scrub something clean. I mean to spend an hour or more just on my little bathroom is ridiculous, and it wasn’t even messy or dirty in the first place.

And before anyone thinks it, no I’m not ‘nesting’ as I’m not pregnant. I know a lot of women will go through a nesting stage during pregnancy so just wanted to clear that up before anyone assumes or suspects.

Random late night post I apologise, good old insomnia is playing up again!

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹