I want to make a difference, even if it’s small

I’ve just seen a video on Facebook of a lady who hand writes letters to people who are maybe feeling alone or struggling with stress, depression, loss, etc.

I would LOVE to do this! I know that a hand written letter cheers me up, it makes a nice change from getting bills and junk mail and it’s nice to know someone has taken the time to write.

I have also done this sorta thing before for an old friend who was struggling with mental health so I sent her a random letter along with a book to brighten her day which she really appreciated.

So, if anyone fancies a little hand written letter, no matter where in the world you are as I’m sure postage cost just for a letter won’t be much, email me your address and maybe a little ‘explanation’ as to why you would like to receive a letter just so that I know a little about you, along with your name and I’ll happily write to you 🙂 plus the fact I always have lovely stationery so need an excuse to use it!

my email address is immeamy@gmail.com

Or if you are some of the select few people I speak to via social media then message me on there 🙂

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

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Selling Harry Potter stuff on Depop

Anyone on here use Depop?

I’m selling a few brand new Harry Potter bits if anyone is interested.

My depop name is @amy1113 and international shipping is available. I usually post stuff out on Wednesdays/Thursdays standard post.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Late night anxiety attack

All because of a house click/creek sound, and then as I calmed down a bit my own stomach making a noise set me off again.

My heart is pounding so fucking hard at the moment it feels like it could burst out of my chest.

All I need right now is for someone to bundle me up into a protective cuddle and make me feel safe. And to have a brain without anxiety.

My anxiety keeps convincing me I can hear different things and it’s honestly terrifying. I hate this. I haven’t had an anxiety attack like this in a while, but it’s fucking horrible 😢

Wasted energy

All this week I’ve been on a mission to blitz my house and fight my anxiety to allow a friend to visit over the weekend. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts one major anxiety issue for me is having people in my house that isn’t my mum, stepdad or Nan.

A friend of mine from Bournemouth called Craig said he was working about an hour from me over the weekend so would come and see me- instead of making up an excuse to put him off coming I said yes to him visiting to try and help me beat my anxiety. I haven’t seen craig for about 6 years now I think, so it would be nice to catch up and actually get to chat to him properly as whenever I’ve seen him there’s always been other people there.

I’ve actually been looking forward to having adult company for a change; my anxiety about it is still there but it’s just in the background rather than screaming at me.

Thursday he tells me that he’s got a chest infection but that he’s still working and will still be sent here for work at the weekend.

I don’t know if it’s my paranoia coming out, but doesn’t that sound like a perfect excuse to use for not coming over?

Last night I messaged him on WhatsApp to ask if he’s gonna pop in while working here, but I’ve had no reply. Even though whatsapp shows that he’s read my message and has been on there since.

Part of me wants to ask him again, but I won’t because I hate chasing people and will feel like I’m being a pain. But I will also be so annoyed if he just doesn’t reply and doesn’t turn up.

I’m really hoping he’ll prove me wrong, but as big headed as it sounds- I’m not often wrong when it comes to people.

So, looks likely that I’m having another boring weekend consisting of Paw Patrol, conversations with my 3 year old, and probably far too much chocolate. As much as I love my daughter, I was really looking forward to adult company from an old friend.

Oh well. Looks like anxiety has won by default.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Random late night quick quiz thingy

Someone just posted the above picture on Facebook for people to get involved with…now because I’m a saddo whenever I post them no one joins in and asks anything 😂 so I thought fuck it I’m bored, I can’t sleep yet as my daughter is still awake, so I might aswell just answer them on here! Can you see how thrilling my Friday nights are?! Bet you’re all jealous right now.

1. 5ft 9

2. 58kg which is about 9 stone 13 I think

3. I can’t actually remember…may have been Matt B I’m not actually sure I’ve kissed a lot of people I’m loving and affectionate! Lol

4. I really hate that term lol my latest celeb crush is John Bender in The Breakfast Club. ‘Real life’ wise, I don’t know to be honest because I think I like them then they do something like ghost me etc and it kinda changes my mind. So honestly I have no idea.

5. For there to be no such thing as illnesses/diseases etc.

6. Green, though the shade varies as they change colour. Mums eyes are hazel and dads are greyish blue so I’ve got a right mix lol

7. Naturally it’s very dark brown, at the moment it’s got brown and kinda gingery shades in it from dye.

8. Was my Nan asking whether to phone before or after her dinner had finished cooking.

9. Will always be Andrew even though he’s no longer here. I don’t think anyone will ever come close to our friendship.

10. Gotta be Soph. She’s the only female to put up with me for so long haha! But on a serious note, she’s definitely my best girl mate I can be myself with her, and we can talk about literally anything from ‘mega periods’ to Netflix series lol

11. I miss loads of people. I don’t really get to see anyone anymore because of moving away.

12. Very much single. Last serious relationship was in 2012.

13. Way too many to choose from so I’ll go with my most recent favourite…either Don’t You Forget About Me, or It’s Friday I’m In Love.

14. I do indeed, done a little blog series on it recently.

15. Footloose

16. People who can drive. People with better figures than me. Women with bigger boobs than me. People with thicker hair. There’s loads lol

17. Elizabeth

18. 100% as I’ve just charged it up

19. I hate a lot of things lol I’ll go with nail files, I can’t actually pick one up without flinching and feeling sick.

20. I don’t play sport lol I’m so unbelievably unfit I’d probably have a heart attack lol

21. In person was my daughter, phone call was Nan, messaging was Lee.

22. Depends on my mood really. I like pinks, purples, some greens, and red.

23. Last serious relationship was Jamie Wing, but a couple years ago I was with Harrison Wilde for about a month but we didn’t see each other in that period of time so don’t think it really ‘counts’ in a sense.

24. I’m not posting my phone number on the internet I’m not that stupid ta

25. 6 though I am sometimes a 7 it depends on the shoe and the shop

26. Amy

27. Chocolate, definitely chocolate. I very very rarely go a day without it I’m terrible

28. Had a few in my time lol Mad Sparrow, Rafiki, Amathyst (purposely spelt wrong), Knuckleduster, Sweetpea, Baby Bio, FagHag (my gay mate at the time called me that as I was often the only straight one there) then mum and Nan would call me Bub, Bubba, Pink Princess, and Poppet. There’s been more I just can’t think of any more

29. Probably death- whether my own or those I care about. Terrifies me.

30. I’ve been sat here for ages trying to think of a secret and I honestly can’t think of any. I’m obviously not that interesting lol

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Time to kick ass…or at least try!

I am sick to death of my anxiety being such a twat.

I am fed up of giving in to it just to stay in my comfort zone.

Something needs to change, and it needs to change now.

As I’ve mentioned before one of my big anxiety issues is having people in my house such as friends or even repairmen. Mainly because I’m paranoid they’ll judge my house for not being totally spotless and gleaming. My house is not dirty, it’s lived in and I actually allow my child to have toys out of her bedroom.

My living room has been driving me mad slowly…because somehow my daughters toys have taken over! So I’ve decided that something needs to be done about this.

This week alone, I’ve had 2 different people offer to come and see me. One is Kay who I’ve only met once but I often chat to him about random stuff and we get on really well. The other is Craig who I’ve known since I was about 13 but only in recent year or so got more chatty and close to. Straight away my head is filled with dread and I can feel my anxiety shouting NOPE NO WAY NOT HAPPENING. Well mr anxiety, hear this: fuck you.

I want to be able to invite people over to my house and feel comfortable with them being here without my anxiety butting in.

So, my plan is to completely blitz my house from top to bottom, I mean a proper spring clean to really get ontop of everything like washing, toys, clothes etc. That way, if I know I’ve totally blitzed it I can keep ontop of it and then there’s nothing I can be judged on other than my choice of decor!

Like I said my house is not dirty I do clean, but I have allowed it to get a little cluttered in places, and I have the dreaded stair piles that I think most homes have! I’m not gonna stop my daughter playing with her toys in the living room, she’s 3 she can’t be up in her room on her own. But, I am gonna tidy them up and that means not hiding stuff under her indoor trampoline! And make sure that I put stuff away throughout the day so that she’s not getting loads of stuff out and just leaving it all over the place.

My house will never be ‘show house’ style, I like houses to look lived in, but I am gonna try and get ontop of it all so I can have a kinda clean slate.

Admittedly, some recent low moods thanks to anxiety build ups have made me not want to really do much…I’ve kept my house clean with washing up etc but things like not picking up all my daughters toys each night or not taking the stair piles upstairs sooner have all kinda slacked I guess. But I need to kick anxieties ass, I’m sick n tired of it so it’s time to fight back so that I feel strong and comfortable enough to invite friends over to my house.

I need to do this for my own good. It’s not gonna be easy, as anxiety has a tendency to fuck with my motivation and moods to stop me fighting back…but I gotta at least try, just one step at a time.

Starting tomorrow with the bathroom and second bedroom 👍🏻

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Music wakes the mind up

I was just listening to a random playlist on Spotify, when Avril Lavigne Complicated came on.

I love old Avril music so I was pretty happy, until my mind went mad!

All of a sudden it was like names and flash backs popped into my head of guys who acted differently when alone with me compared to when in public/with others…all thanks to the lines “you’re not fooling anyone when you become somebody else round everyone else”….”you’re trying to be cool, you’re looking like a fool to me”.

I’ll start with Benjamin.

He’s the twin brother of my then close gay friend Blake- we became quite close and would text all the time, he’d even come pick me up while his house was free. He was always very cuddly and just lovely when it was just us, but infront of anyone else I was just a friend.

He was never nasty or anything, but it was almost like he didn’t want others knowing he liked me- I was the most ‘different’ looking girl he’d gone for regarding my tattoos etc.

He did really bug me though when he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship but then kinda replaced me with a girl in our friend group called Kat which made us drift apart a fair bit!

Another lad was Sam A, I actually met him through the dating app plenty of fish I think but it turned out we had a mutual friend David anyway.

He would take me over to his house and he would be the most cuddliest person I’ve ever met, and we’d play fight or he’d torture me by tickling me, we’d generally just have a really nice time together just enjoying each others company.

I remember one day I’d been at his, and his brother text him to say he’d let his friends in and they were waiting downstairs for him…highly embarrassing doing ‘the walk of shame ‘ and sitting in a room of lads while I looked a little flustered!

But when we were sitting downstairs with them Sam didn’t even sit with me, and barely spoke to me really until he said to his friends he was taking me home so he’d see them later.

At the time I was more dying inside knowing that his friends blatantly knew what we’d been doing upstairs, but looking back at it now, it was a bit shitty of him to not try and include me.

If I ever saw Sam out in town on nights out he’d always come give me a kiss and cuddle no matter who was about and happily stand chatting to me out in the smoking area.

But again he was another one who ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ but soon got into one with someone else and pretty much forgetting my existence lol

Andy was kinda different.

He was a barman in a club called Censo that I’d go to every Thursday for their rock/alternative night, and he caught my eye…I stupidly told my cousin who worked there and she gave him my number and made him introduce himself which was pretty awkward!

Anyway, quite often I’d go back to his once censo closed as he lived up the road above one of the other clubs.

He was a complete sweetheart, and we’d have a laugh playing games or simply chat for hours on end whilst making a fuss of his cat Princess.

If any of his mates came over, he would still happily sit with his arm round me or his hand on my leg, and make it kinda obvious there was something going on… but then during rock nights he’d flirt behind the bar whenever he served me and always doubled or tripled the shot in my drinks, and we’d make kinda flirty glances across at each other but on his fag breaks he would kinda chat to me as if I was just a mate.

Was rather confusing as I never knew where I stood with Andy…and so bloody annoying/out of order when he would flirt with other girls infront of me! But I’d get questioned on who people were if he saw me chatting to a bloke or hugging someone.

And you guessed it, he was another one who ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ but happily lead me on for fuck knows how long!

Seems to be a running pattern here don’t you think lol

On the other side of the scale, one of my actual exes Dan H would almost be too nice infront of people.

He was lovely enough no matter who was around, but when we were at the pub together (he was the DJ when I worked n lived at the western) it was like he was trying to prove to everyone that he was treating me well and that he was nothing like my ex Jamie who treated me terribly infront of everyone and behind closed doors too.

I pretty much had him wrapped round my little finger, which I don’t like in a relationship I like a man to have a backbone and not ask how high if I say jump.

It was really strange, because usually guys would become nasty bastards around their friends and not want to hold my hand or really be seen with me in general… maybe I just over analysed that one at the time and found it odd that he was nice to me because I wasn’t used to it?

One person who has never changed around other people, is actually Mackenzie who I’ve known since senior school but we got ‘reunited’ when I lived with our then mutual friend Jack and he came over all the time.

Now Jack would tell me constantly that Mackenzie fancied me, and Mackenzie himself would flirt a bit and say things like he was gonna stay over in my room with me… but I just always assumed they were winding me up and didn’t mean it so I took no notice really.

Though one night when we went out to a club called Wonderland, mackenzie made sure I wasn’t being left on my own and was even making a tit of himself on the podiums doing running man to make me laugh (he’s like 6ft 7, so seeing him do the running man was hilarious!).

He also came over one evening to keep me company while I was home alone so we sat watching a film, and I know at one point he had his arm around me and his thumb was stroking my shoulder…but me being a twat I just ignored it really and thought that he was just doing it to be nice.

Fast forward a couple years and he admits to me that he was actually deadly serious about liking me…oops!

When I’ve visited my hometown he has without fail joined me in the Harvester with a couple of my friends to see me- he has never once spoken down to me to make me sound or look stupid, he’s never been nasty, he’s always been the perfect gentleman really. Obviously he winds me up in a playful way because that’s what our humour is like but he’s never ever been genuinely horrible to me either alone or infront of others.

I don’t know why people change infront of others, with me if i am loving towards someone behind closed doors then I’m gonna be the same no matter who’s around…I have no issues with holding hands or having a hand on their leg if we’re sat chilling with others; obviously I’m not gonna be all over them in public as I just don’t find that appropriate but the odd quick kiss or cheeky bum grab is fine in my opinion.

It makes me feel pretty shit really that at least 90% of men I’ve been involved with in one way or another have all acted kinda ashamed to be seen with me, or at least ashamed to show infront of others that they like me.

It’s like, what’s so wrong with me that you gotta hide your feelings and act differently when other people are around?

I don’t ever show people up in any way seeing as I’m always polite, have self respect, and if it’s people I don’t know I can be kinda shy (but never rude or antisocial) so it’s not like I’m a loud mouth embarrassment.

Just sometimes makes me question myself in a sense I guess.

Makes me feel like their ‘dirty little secret’ which I don’t like being.

If I like someone then I’m not afraid of the world to know about it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me to be honest, I seem to give the most attention to the men who treat me like shit and make me feel awful about myself, but then either push aside or not believe the genuinely nice guys that do actually like me for who I am. Anyone else get that?

It’s like subconsciously I’m telling myself I don’t deserve a nice genuine guy because I’ve only ever really been in relationships with complete cockwombles.

Funny how one simple song can bring so many memories and thoughts to the front of your brain isn’t it?

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹