This subject was requested by a friend with a terrible track record when it comes to relationships (as have I) so I thought I’d give it a go writing about it. Now I’m no relationship expert or whatever, I am simply writing from my own experience and my own opinions on the subject.
Toxic relationships happen when one or both partners don’t allow the other person to be themselves, they poison the very essence of the person; whether it’s by changing how they look (one of my exs hated my tattoos so I had to keep them covered up when out with him to keep him happy), the people they’re friends with (my ex wouldn’t let me go anywhere on my own other than my nans, not even to be with male gay friends he always had to be there), or how they act. Toxic people are extremely manipulative and sometimes the ‘victim’ can’t see what’s happening because they’ve been poisoned by lies and often see through rose tinted glasses. This can become dangerous, as sometimes a person can finally wake up and see what’s happening and get pushed too far to the point of them flipping either physically or verbally (sometimes both) making them act in a way that isn’t normal for them, for example; with one of my exs we were arguing over something quite petty which ended up in an altercation- I’m not a violent person, it takes a lot for me to really lose it at someone, I would normally punch a wall rather than a person for example- I saw red and threw a plate at his feet which smashed, we then fought for the door handle (he was trying to leave I was trying to stop him) where he managed to over power me enough to open the door which I then trapped his ankle in (bruised and cut it a bit) and in retaliation my face met the edge of the door quite hard (I looked like Quasimodo from hunchback of Notre Dame where it had hit me above my right eye and instantly swelled and bruised with a small cut in the middle of it).
Usually in arguments it’s all verbal from my side then I walk away and scream or punch an inanimate object, but this time I had been pushed too far by him and his behaviour towards me, making me act in a way that I wouldn’t usually act. Even after that explosive argument, I stupidly begged him not to leave me and we stayed together maybe a month or so longer, arguing all the time because we simply clashed too much and he had no respect.
That, was a toxic relationship because even though deep down I knew he was an arsehole I still didn’t want to be without him because I had got so used to him being there and would only concentrate on the good days (which weren’t very often) and he made me believe that no one else would ever want me if we split up.
Toxic people are users that don’t care about how their ‘victim’ feels or how much they hurt them for their own gain whether it’s a physical gain like money or simply just having a sense of power over someone.
It can be quite difficult to spot a toxic person, (especially if you’ve never dealt with one before) as they start off so nice to reel you in. However if you so begin to notice things such as them telling you what to do, or subtly putting you down then you need to remove them from your life. You should NEVER change who you are or how you look just to please someone else, if they can’t accept you for who you are then they’re not worth your time or energy and you deserve better than that.
What I have learned from being involved with toxic people is that I didn’t allow myself to like myself, because if I did I wouldn’t of put up with the shit I put up with. So now, I’ve taken the time to be alone and find myself and who I really am rather than being something I’m not just to please others. I’m learning to like myself and have more self confidence before I even think about ‘finding love’ again, because in reality those toxic relationships weren’t love at all. Love isn’t supposed to hurt; love is supposed to be happiness, being comfortable in your own skin, and knowing that the person you’re with cares for you just as much as you care for them. Yes you can still disagree on things it’s human nature to disagree, but the difference between a loving relationship and a toxic one is that in a loving relationship you don’t drag the person to rock bottom making them an empty shell that hates themselves and totally lose their true identity. A loving relationship is a mutual respect for each other, and building each other up not tearing each other down.
So my advice to anyone who’s just come out of a toxic relationship is: DO NOT go back to them, they are an ex for a reason. Spend some time finding yourself again and liking who you are, reinvention for yourself is perfectly fine and it allows you to find who YOU want to be and what YOU want to do with your life. Concentrate on yourself, you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy, so don’t rush and desperately search for someone to be with, as you’re more likely to have a bad experience if you rush into a new relationship when you’re not ready or healed enough from your previous relationship. The right person will come along, and even if they don’t there’s nothing wrong with being single and putting yourself first. Just be you, and be happy being you; don’t like something about yourself? Then change it. Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to challenge you and you’ve just got to face it head on stood tall and ready to kick some ass!
I hope this post made sense, and hopefully helps others to realise they’re in a toxic relationship or to help them deal with the aftermath of one and shows that you can come out the other side stronger than you’ve ever been.
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹
All pictures in this post are from google I didn’t make them up myself.