Ramblings of an emotional mind at 1am

Warning, there is swearing in this as there’s a lot of emotions flying out of my mind while I write/type this so I apologise. 

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March 28th 2006…one of my most hated days. The day my Great Aunty Pat passed away. 

11 years has gone by so fast, and for whatever reason the older I’m getting the harder it’s becoming to accept that reality that she’s actually gone. You’d of thought my mind would be ‘over it’ by now as it was 11 years ago…I think the older o get the less I can handle death whether it’s a past death or a more recent one. I haven’t properly cried about my aunty for a few years I think, I mean I’ve got teary eyed and choked up, but for whatever reason I’ve actually been curled up in bed sobbing. I obviously had some tears that needed to vacate my eyes! 

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I mentioned before in my post about dealing with grief how my aunty had throat cancer and had lost her voice completely. What breaks my heart, is that I can’t hear what her voice sounded like before she was ill anymore. I can’t hear her laugh, or anything. All I can hear is the sound of that fucking horrible tube in her throat being ‘hoovered’ out to unblock it. It makes me so angry and so upset that I can’t remember her voice anymore and that I’m just stuck with the horrible memory of that cunting tube whenever I try. It’s like I can play the good memories of her back in my head like a movie clear as day…but it’s a silent movie…other than the noise of that tube. I don’t want her to fade in my head anymore than that.

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I still get the nightmares I had back in 2006 about my aunty every now and again, and I think they’ll always come back to haunt me. It was 2006 that I believe my depression etc really kicked off because of these nightmares…I got so afraid to fall asleep because the dreams were so painful, and for someone of 12 years old to be having the vivid dreams I was having there’s no wonder it scared me. I remember getting so desperate to get away from these dreams, that I prayed. Infact I didn’t pray, I begged. My mum was very much into spiritual healing stuff back then, and she told me to ask arch angel Michael for help. I remember begging and pleading that he’d stop my nightmares and let me sleep…but it never worked. My aunties death had quite a bad affect on the family. My mum had a breakdown I believe, and I think looking back I did too. My Nan couldn’t listen to certain music anymore, and still can’t listen to one particular song because it was played at my aunties service which was Paint The Sky With Stars by Enya (I’ll put the lyrics at the end of this post) I remember writing my aunty a letter after she had died, saying how sorry I was for not being there on my last chance to see her etc. I’ve still got that letter, it’s folded up in a pink vanity case which has random things in it that belonged to her…I need to find that case again actually, I don’t know if it’s here or at my mums. For years I’d only open that box every now and again, because i didn’t want the smell of my aunty pat to fade away from it. 

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I think I have a few of my aunties traits. She had big beautiful eyes and that’s the feature I get complimented on the most. She was so unbelievably stubborn, even when she couldn’t speak she just had this glare that could put anyone in their place and when it came to wrapping presents up she’d use so much tape that they were impossible to get into without using scissors…which I’m guilty of doing! She also had so much stuff! She’d keep all sorts and had all different knick-knacks that she just couldn’t get rid of…which I think is where I get it from! I find it hard to get rid of things I get attached to stuff. 

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My aunty pat would always make Shepard’s pie for dinner whenever I visited her because it was my absolute favourite meal that she made…and she’d always end up giving me something like little notebooks or magnets just any little trinket really. She had this art attack art set that she would let me use whenever I visited her, but I had to make sure everything went back in its right place etc. We would quite often go for walks along the canal as it was right behind where she lived; and we’d take bread etc out to feed the birds and squirrels and see how many pine cones and conkers we could collect. She adored animals. In the last flat she lived in she actually got in trouble because she kept on leaving food out for badgers and foxes etc when she was told not to. I think she also used to give to a lot of animal charities. Cats were her favourite animal though I believe, she had a few herself. Aunty pat always had really funky earrings in the shape of all different things like different animals or colours etc. In her living room she had this big red leather chair and footstool that she always sat in, and I’d quite often sit on the foot stool to show her different things or drawing etc. High she did have one chair which she always said was mine, and that’s a red bucket chair which is at my mums as I don’t have anywhere to put it at the moment. 

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I think the funniest memory I have of her, is when we went to a local garden centre that sold the most beautiful Christmas decorations and ornaments, aswell as other bits and bobs, and it wasn’t until we had arrived there and were walking from my nans car that I looked down and asked my aunty why she was still wearing her slippers! Luckily they slippers she was wearing were quite posh looking so weren’t very obvious that they were slippers haha! 

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I don’t even know why I decided to do a blog post on this. But it has calmed me down, I guess it’s sort of like talking to someone to let out your emotions rather than bottling it all up…as I think everyone knows, bottling up emotions is never a good idea. But, seeing as its silly o’clock in the morning I don’t have anyone I can talk to so this is the next best thing I guess seeing as it has managed to calm me down and stop me crying and snotting everywhere! So I do apologise if this maybe isn’t interesting to read, or you find it kinda pointless, but I think it’s important to share strong emotions…it may even help someone else in a similar situation. 

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Lyrics to Paint The Sky With Stars by Enya:

Suddenly before my eyes
Hues of indigo arise
With them how my spirit sighs
Paint the sky with stars

Only night will ever know
Why the heavens never show
All the dreams there are to know
Paint the sky with stars

Who has placed the midnight sky
So a spirit has to fly?
As the heavens seem so far now,
Who will paint the midnight star?

Night has brought to those who sleep
Only dreams they cannot keep
I have legends in the deep
Paint the sky with stars

Who has placed the midnight sky
So a spirit has to fly?
As the heavens seem so far now,
Who will paint the midnight star?

Place a name upon the night
One to set your heart alight
And to make the darkness bright
Paint the sky with stars.


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Miss you always great aunty pat ❀

πŸ”Ήimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to beπŸ”Ή

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