Insomnia, RLS, TV, Tears and The One That Got Away…

Yeah you guessed it, it’s silly o’clock and yet again I can’t sleep. Curled up in bed with twitchy legs from restless leg syndrome playing up and an uncomfortable stomach from IBS playing up. Today, my body hates me. 

Usually when I’m staring into the darkness begging my eyes to close and my mind to shut up and sleep I’m just in silence, alone with my thoughts (and the sound of my daughter snoring) but tonight I’ve actually had someone to talk to. 

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In a previous post which was a quiz thingy, there was a question along the lines of Do You Believe In Love At First Sight…to which I answered yes and briefly explained about who said person was…well I’ve actually been chatting to him for the first time in god knows how long. We’ve kind of always been like this, we can go months and months without talking but then talk as if we’d never stopped. We’re currently arguing over who’s the biggest twat out of us both for not realising how much we liked each other back in the day…I say back in the day…anyone who truly knows me will know that I’ve always kept this guy in my heart and always will. You can’t just remove feelings that strong when you care about someone that much. I met him back in…2008 or maybe even 2007. At that time, my mental health wasn’t the greatest, and he was the only person who would listen to me talk openly about the darkness in my mind, he never once judged me or told me I was stupid etc. He’d listen. Which is a lot more than most people would do. He kept me out of danger so many times when I’d blindly walk out into roads because my mind would fuck up and put me in my own world. There was one night that I was adamant I was going to walk home alone (in the dark, while it was pretty cold, and I lived a good hours walk away on a farm) and he tried to force me into a taxi so that I’d get home safe…but me being stubborn I climbed out the other side of the taxi and started walking away…he then picked me up over his shoulder (baring in mind he’s about 6″8) and carried me all the way back to his house so that I couldn’t run from him and put myself in danger. Another time I was seeing this absolute dickhead who had decided to bad mouth me in the pub calling me a psycho and taking the piss out of my mental health and the fact I’d started seeing a psychologist etc…this guy saw how upset I was at the spiteful comments, and he held the dickhead up by his throat against a wall and made him apologise to me. He always had my back, always looked out for me. He cared so much for me, but not enough about himself which did sometimes lead to him pushing me away sometimes (we always push away the ones closest to us at bad times).  Even now, nearly ten years later I still hold a torch for him (my god that’s an old saying!) And I always will because of how much of an impact he had on my life. Don’t get me wrong we’ve both had various relationships etc since, but I guess there’s just certain people your heart can’t let go of, and the butterflies in your stomach will always fly for. If I could magic him here and take care of him forever I would in a heart beat. Strange how your mind holds on to certain memories and your heart holds on to people and feelings even after a long time apart.  I think out of the very few friends of mine who read this, only one will know who I’m talking about as she was there at the pub with me when I first met him…the one that got away.

I don’t know why I decided to blog this…I guess it’s another way of talking to myself in a sense but also letting it out rather than bottling it all up. 

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On a totally separate subject altogether, who’s been watching Emmerdale? Thursday nights episodes were fucking heartbreaking!! In the first episode, it was Arthur reading his poem about his dad at his grave that first made me cry, but the absolute killer was the second episode with Lorrel dreaming…I sobbed my heart out and I mean the proper hyperventilating snotty sobbing! So powerful and heartbreaking. 

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Another thing that made me cry this week, was she Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why…I started watching it at about 8am, and finished the whole series by about 2am the following morning I could not put it down. It was amazing if you haven’t seen it then check it out. I’ll be doing a more detailed post around it at some point as if links in nicely to one of my requested topics I’m yet to write about. 

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01:23…I hate it when I look at the time and its a sequence like that! Or something like 2:22, 14:15..or if it has 11 included! No idea why, it just kinda puts me on edge when it becomes a regular occurrence again. 

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Anyway I guess I’d better shh and attempt sleep again…I’m yawning so that’s gotta be a good sign right?! I think tomorrow…or more today really is gonna be a pyjama day, I sense a zombie mood! 

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Have you got someone that you’ll always ‘have s soft spot for’ in your life? Any Netflix recommendations? 

πŸ”Ήimmeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to beπŸ”Ή

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