Ello! I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter weekend. As I mentioned previously we went to the local Easter Egg hunt on Saturday- it took us forever to find my mum and daughters name tag thing on the field, my daughter strangely actually found her own one! Pretty impressive seeing as she’s 2 and can’t read haha! But we found them all eventually and went on to choose what Egg we all wanted. I went for creme egg, my daughter had freddo frog, mum had smarties and step-dad had m&m. It was nice to all be out together, we don’t get to do it often because of my step-dad running his farm. We had a play in the park first while waiting for the hunt to start, which was lovely as my daughter became fearless and kept going down the slides (she never used to before). Our Easter Sunday was then just spent indoors together playing with my daughters new plush toy of Poppy from Trolls that I bought her for an Easter present, and watching films.
The past few days I’ve been slipping into a ‘I hate my body’ mood which isn’t great. It’s made me feel pretty shit to be honest. I keep looking at my stomach and wishing it was flatter and my toned, and looking at my thighs wishing they weren’t as wobbly…not to mention looking at every other part of my face and body and hating it all. So yesterday I thought I’d get myself in gear and do something about it by exercising. I put on my Claire Richards exercise DVD, and myself and my daughter attempted to do the routines…even the warm up knackered me out! I have got seriously unfit, and because I was struggling to do the routines I got annoyed with myself. I tried to challenge myself to drinking 1.5L of water as I really don’t drink enough, but I couldn’t even manage that! Today however is a totally different story…I haven’t exercised, I’ve put on my trackies and pjay top with no bra because what’s the point when I’m not doing anything or going anywhere, and I’ve binged on so much crappy food (mainly chocolate and popcorn!) In a kind of self hatred pissed off rage. And of course, I’m annoyed with myself for doing it. The only ‘good’ thing I’ve done today is I’m trying to drink water again. This is what I really hate about myself, is that I’m unhappy with how I look, but I can’t for the life of me stick to exercising etc to make it better! I’ve always been like that and I hate it. I know that next week I’ll be feeling even more shite about myself because I’ll be uncomfortable and bloated (monthly joys of being a female!) And will just want to curl up and eat crap food while feeling sorry for myself that my belly is cramping up and feel as though I’ve been kicked inbetween the legs with football boots…so I’ve tried to help myself a bit by ordering ‘healthier’ food for my shopping delivery due next week. Though knowing me, I’ll probably still buy crap food at the shop when I walk down to get electric! Then the week after that isn’t looking great either as it’ll be my 24th birthday on the 5th and I stopped liking my birthday a long time ago. I think a part of why I’m on some self hatred rage at the moment is because I’ve actually realised that maybe I would like to find someone to be with; I miss the little things like good morning texts, cuddles and kisses from people who aren’t family, and just generally feeling that someone other than family cares about me. I’m not about to desperately start searching and asking guys out, I’m not that type of person, but for ages I was adamant on staying single and wouldn’t really pay attention to any potential interest men were showing- whereas now I guess I’m ‘ready to love again’ whenever it happens. So my mind has gone into over drive with the thoughts of “no man will want you with your mummy tummy!” Which I know deep down is stupid, as for a start I’m not even over weight (I’m about 8 n half stone I think) but I just seriously hate how I look. Hello self image issues, how I haven’t missed you!
I’ve finally managed to have a go at my hazard perception practice, mum has lent me her laptop to use as neither of mine will connect to the internet which I need to use my disc. I’m doing pretty well on it, it’s got theory practise too and I have passed both a few times, though the times I failed it had only been by a few points so I’m not totally shit at it! I’m more confident in the theory side than the practical side! Which obviously I need to work on. Got my next lesson on Thursday, that’ll be lesson number five, then got to book some more- I’m going for the ten hours for £230 again.
I’ve signed myself up for a second distance learning course. Last year I completed and passed Level 2 Certificate In Mental Health Awareness, and this time I’m doing Level 2 Certificate In Caring For Young Children (probably got the names wrong but you get the idea). I thought it’d look on my CV when it comes to finding a job next year! It’s all paper based so I’m hand writing it all again like indie win my previous course.
Well I guess that’s enough rambling for today. Plan for the rest of today is to try and stay awake, wait for mums daily phone call (such a saddo the only people who call me are my mum and nan!) Find something for dinner, try not to keep on binge eating, and watch crap on the TV! Exciting stuff ain’t it?!
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹