Paranoia, anxiety and panic…

Not the greatest mixture. 

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post before, since becoming a mum I have become more of a wimp and more paranoid and panicky. Well tonight is one of those nights where non desperately fighting off a panic attack. 

I am terrified of the thought of someone breaking in to my house while myself and my daughter are here. No idea why as I’ve never experienced a house break in before…closest is when I lived on a farm with mum and step-dad and someone broke into the farm buildings and stole a load of stuff while we were in the house which wasn’t far from it. Anyway… houses creek and make noises with temperature change and pipes etc, my logical brain knows this…but my scaredy cat brain doesn’t it tells me that it’s someone in my house. 

At the moment, we’re up in bed, my daughter is totally sparko next to me and I’m pretty much frozen still apart from my thumbs typing this post, and breathing so lightly to not make a noise. The weather at the moment is stupidly windy outside and is really noisy and blowing stuff about. About ten mins ago something made a noise and it honestly sounded like it was in my house. In reality, it’s likely to be my black or green bin that’s blown over and made a loud bang, but of course my brain isn’t thinking logically. Why don’t you get up and look you ask….because I can’t fucking move. I am literally frozen still my legs are actually hurting where I’m not moving them at all, and I can’t bring myself to get out of bed and look out the window. 

I am shaking, dripping with sweat and getting a headache from the panic, aswell as getting a tight feeling in my chest and slight ringing in my ears. I hate it when this happens. It doesn’t help that when I’m in the state of panic, my brain is even more of a dick and wakes up my paranoia and makes me hear things that aren’t actually there making me even more panicky. I’m writing this post to try and distract myself and calm myself down to believe my logical mind that the noise was just the wind and we’re safe. The place I live has a really low crime rate (yes I was stupid enough to google it, but luckily in the space of a year the only crimes were one of someone stealing from the shop and one historic abuser both of which were caught and in prison) so my scaredy cat brain needs to fuck off. 

I am so tired, but I’m too scared to fall asleep with all the noises…it seems just as I calm down and get my heart rate a bit calmer, there’s another noise that sets me off again. 

This is the one reason I HATE living in a house where I’m the only adult, because I have no one to help me if there was someone in my house uninvited…

I hate my brain!!! And I hate this weather!! I was happily watching YouTube but now I can’t bring myself to put it back on because I’m listening for noises 😦 this is so stupid! It also doesn’t help my bed is stupidly noisy, you literally just have to breathe too hard and a spring will ping or the frame will creek. 

Someone come be body guards please, 2 standing at the front door, 2 at the back, and 1 upstairs! Or at least have a word with the weather and tell it to stop scaring me…please? 

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

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