Alone.

I’m forever greatful to have my daughter with me, she is my life saver and I adore her with every piece of my being. Even though she’s with me every day, it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone sometimes; times like now. 

My mum and my nan are the only people I can rely on to contact me every day, which again I’m greatful for, but sometimes you don’t wanna talk to family, or there’s some things you just feel you can’t talk to them about or want to talk to them about in fear they get upset because you’re upset or don’t react how you want them to. 

Now I’m not saying I want friends to talk to every day, I understand fully that people have a life of their own to live and don’t begrudge them that at all. But it would be nice to maybe have more consistency in a sense? I have a tendency to be picked up and put down like a yoyo, mainly because I think I’m not overly interesting to talk to as I don’t do much apart from ‘mum stuff’ which isn’t overly interesting to talk about to most people. 

As I mentioned in my chatty Tuesday post earlier today, I guess at the moment I’m maybe being a bit selfish and a little needy. I very very rarely admit I need people, but right now I do. Since losing Andrew, I’ve felt more lonely than normal; even though we went through moments of not speaking for a while because of life just getting in the way, I always knew he was there if I needed him and I could talk to him about anything no matter how personal, big or small. He’s the only person in my life I’ve been that open and comfortable with, so for him to no longer be here makes it really hard for me, even more so recently as it grows closer to June 29th where he should have been celebrating his 30th birthday but instead it’s the 1 year anniversary of his death. 

I don’t even necessarily want to talk about Andrew all the time, I just want to feel that people are there and genuinely want to know how I’m doing, or want to share their day and feelings with me just to have a conversation of some sort. Doesn’t even have to be about anything specific, I wouldn’t care if they were telling me about a project at work, or about something they watched on tv just anything to have that bit of contact with anyone would help. 

I don’t for one minute want my friends who read this to think that I’m having a dig or anything as I know that they all have their own lives etc. Like I said, maybe I’m just being needy and selfish. 

I’d love to have a massive cuddle right now. My daughter cuddles me obviously which I love, but sometimes you want someone who can properly wrap you up in their arms protecting you from the world around you and making you feel safe even just for a moment. But, living away from anyone I know apart from my mum and stepdad that isn’t something that is possible unfortunately. 

I’m ok, honestly I am…sort of. Like I can still get out of bed in the morning, I still put makeup on etc and enjoy dancing about with my daughter etc, and I don’t cry all the time,but there’s just an empty space I guess…a big Andrew shaped space that has left me feeling  a bit lost and lonely.

“I’m a little bit lost without you, and I’m a bloody big mess inside”.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I guess I just needed to speak even if it was just to myself on my blog. I don’t know, but here it is anyway! 

Again to any friends that are reading this please don’t think I’m having a go or anything, as I do understand you have your own stuff to deal with etc. And in the same token, don’t worry about me I’m not about to have a break down or doing anything silly I promise you that, like I said I am honestly ok I’m still living life as normal and taking care of myself normally etc so please don’t worry about any history repeating itself, as I haven’t had a bad break down involving self harm or any dark thoughts like that etc since way before I was pregnant with my daughter, that’s not how I handle things anymore I promise; instead I just try to carry on as normal and if I feel I need to release some pressure I do something like writing, colouring, or I will allow myself to cry if I need to. So ‘mental health’ wise, I am fine. I’m just a little lonely and emotional regarding Andrew.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹