I’m 24, which is still kinda young I guess, it’s Saturday night and I should surely be out partying and making a tit of myself right? Wrong. For a start, especially the past few years, I’ve become more and more ‘indoorsy’, secondly I’m a mum and personally I can’t stand it when you get parents going out every weekend getting ratarsed and being left with hangovers just palming their kid off to whoever will babysit…you’re a parent, don’t you wanna spend as much time as possible with your kids? I know I do. Don’t get me wrong, we all need time alone or ‘adult time’, but every bloody weekend? No. Just…no. Also even if I did wanna go out on the piss, I know no one where I live so would be pretty boring and sad to go alone, and the closest place to drink in is the local pub which shuts at around 11pm…not really the party scene! So let’s start this again…
It’s Saturday night, my daughter is tucked up in bed fast asleep and has been for over an hour, so I decided to risk it and try running myself a nice relaxing bubble bath to unwind and rest my achey creaky body (as well as remove any leg hair stubble that’s appeared because it’s hot at the moment and quite frankly I don’t fancy having pasty stubbly legs on show, as being pasty white with dark hair means that it shows up SO easily!). I usually only get to have a long bath once a week (I wash/shower throughout the week I’m not disgusting) when my mum is here so that she can look after my daughter and I can bath in peace, so tonight was a rare novelty for me that was an almost success. My daughter fell asleep on the sofa, so I used that opportunity to run my bath as the bathroom is in between both bedrooms and running water is quite loud. I go up and turn the water off then back downstairs to check she was still asleep…she hadn’t moved an inch. Now the tricky part…carrying her up to bed! (My daughter is decievingly heavy, she is tall for her age and isn’t really chubby like some kids I mean she’s got that cute little toddler pot belly but other than that she’s all arms and legs so carrying her while she’s asleep isn’t the easiest of tasks). I manage to get her upstairs and into bed without waking her up too much, give her a bottle to settle her again and she was soon fast asleep and snoring.
Not gonna lie my bath smelled amazing. I had treated myself and put in a lavender bath bomb that I had left over from Christmas, and chucked in some Imperial Leather bubble bath (the white one, I can’t remember what’s called). And so many bubbles it looked perfect. I get in and it’s the perfect temperature (I like my baths pretty hot if I’m honest, to the point of getting out and having bright red legs). I do all the normal stuff like wash and shave etc first, and then it was time to lay back and just chill out for a while…or at least that was the plan!
Outside my house is a small car park of around 12 spaces maybe less. Some inconsiderate wretch decided that 9pm was a great time to stand in said car park and repeatedly kick a ball against the wall of the house opposite mine! So of course, my quiet peaceful and relaxing bath just turned into me feeling annoyed because all I could hear was THUMP THUMP THUMP. But, that wasn’t all that disturbed me. My phone begins to ring and it’s my Nan replying to an earlier text I had sent, now I answered very quietly to not wake my daughter up, and said to my Nan I couldn’t talk because she was asleep…instead of saying bye my Nan carried on talking until I had to interrupt her and say I was in the bath! (I have since sent her a message saying sorry for not being able to talk). So my nice relaxing bath didn’t turn out to be as relaxing as I wanted! And the cockwombles outside are still kicking a ball about, stopping me from getting to sleep hence why I’m rambling away pointlessly here. You’re welcome!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I am terrible with skin care. I buy different moisturisers etc with the intention to use them and make my skin flawless, but I never remember to do it every day. I’m getting better with my face as I do now use a hydrating cream on it every morning, but body wise…nope. Is recently seen an advert on tv for Nivea firming cream which claimed to firm up any unwanted saggy wobbly skin or whatever, and because I was in a self hatred mood I bought it. This was about a month ago, and it says on the bottle to use every day and be able to see results within 2 weeks of use…I’ve used it once. So tonight I thought after my bath I’d smother myself in it and then try my hardest to do it every day after.
Usually when I get out of the bath, I cover myself up as quick as I can and dry each body part one by one to not have too much out at once, purely because I hate my body so much that I don’t wanna really see it. Anyway tonight I braved it and I only took in a small towel with me so that I couldn’t totally cover up and would have to stand completely naked in order to dry and moisturise myself. I hated it. Even though the cream smells gorgeous and has made me feel all silky soft, I was disgusted with what I was looking down on. My legs are more wobbly than they used to be, I’ve got ‘love handles’, ‘saddle bags’, my once pretty peachy bum is now a wobbly mess, and my belly isn’t overly great either (though the logical side of me knows that in the evenings my stomach is usually bloated a little and I appear fatter because of my IBS). I was noticing stretch marks in places I didn’t know I had them, and just generally hated every part of my body I could see. What I wanted to do was hide myself in my big cosy, comfy, baggy pjays , but it is far too hot for those so I’m having to wear some pjay shorts and a crop top vest to try and stop myself over heating in the night. This night wear choice hasn’t made me feel any better about my body as I can see most of my ‘problem areas’ being my stomach, hips and legs. So I’m now in bed with no lights on just the light of my phone screen to hide away from myself.
I know people reading this are probably thinking if you don’t like your body do something about it. And you’d be right I’d totally agree with you I’d be thinking the same…thing is, no matter how much I hate my body and how it looks, I can never stick to healthy eating and exercise. I like my food too much, I’m a complete chocoholic and it doesn’t help that I’m a lazy cook, I hate anything that takes too much preparation to do or too much cooking time, I also find that if I do eat something healthy it leaves me feeling even more hungry so I then end up binging on chocolate or whatever is quick to grab. As for exercise, I find it really difficult to do. I have naturally very low blood pressure, to the point where I can’t lift my arms very high without feeling dizzy, and if I exercise and get too hot or I’m moving too much it makes me feel light headed. Also, from my lower back down to my feet I’m in pretty much constant pain. My lower back was buggered up during pregnancy and has never fully healed, and my feet are deformed due to having no arch in them which makes my ligaments very weak in my ankles which then has a knock on effect to my knees,hips and back…and that foot pain is constant even if I’m just sat down doing nothing. So I find it hard to find exercises I can comfortably do that don’t completely cripple me. I wish I could get fit and get a body I’m more happy to look at…but I just feel like I can’t as well as having a really crap level of motivation. So I’ve either just got to grin and bare it, or at least try little bits of exercise every day (which I know I’ll stick to for a week then give up when I see no changes as I’m impatient when it comes to my body).
Can you tell I haven’t really spoken to anyone today with how much I’m rambling? Other than my 2 year old I’ve only had a 7 min phone conversation with my mum and those 30 odd seconds phone conversation with Nan. Myself and sof exchanged a couple of messages but that was just about the post and how useless it can be so wasn’t exactly a long conversation. So I’m just rambling away on here to feel like I’m chatting to someone! Again, you’re welcome!
I had a plan for today, and that was to watch last nights episode of Lethal Weapon, watch Batman Returns, make a time lapse Hama Bead video, and do some more of my distance learning course. Well, I watched lethal weapon (which I am obsessed with I am seriously loving the series and so glad there’s gonna be a second), then I put the wrong batman film on but watched it anyway which was just Batman, then afterwards put Batman Returns on (my daughter loved both films, she kept laughing with the Joker in the first one, but then got sad at the end of the second because of Penguin dying). Next up was the time lapse video, which took me 3 attempts as each time I started a picture I’d them realise it was bigger than I thought and I didn’t have enough certain colours to complete it so had to keep starting again. In the end I made a time lapse of a small unicorn, then made a larger picture of Ursula from little mermaid. As for my distance learning course…yeah I didn’t do any today; by the time I had finished with Hama beads it was getting really warm and making me feel a bit yuck (I don’t cope well in heat no matter how hydrated I stay) and it was time to sort dinner out etc. But hey atleast I almost completed my to do list right?
I think tomorrow I’ll watch Blind Date that I recorded tonight (new serious with my favourite Paul O’Grady presenting it), then watch the DVD of Cilla that my mum bought over for me to watch with Sheridan Smith in it, then hopefully try and get some of my course done. All of course whilst still entertaining my daughter drinking pretend cups of tea which appears to be her favourite game lately or stroking her cuddly toys as she cares for them as if they’re real animals (she even gets the dogs to ‘lick’ hers and my face for kisses then cuddles them gently before laying them down to sleep or have a check up…it’s all very cute!). Though I think once I’ve watched Blind Date and Cilla I may be able to put one of my favourite tv shows on called My Wife And Kids as it’s usually on until around 4pm on Sundays. I’ve actually been good and got something out of the freezer to defrost for my dinner tomorrow… think I’m going to have turkey mince (which is in the fridge defrosting) with spaghetti and curry sauce. I know you’re probably thinking why not use rice instead of spaghetti so that it’s a proper curry dish. Well my friends, that is because I no longer eat rice and avoid any other rice products such as cereals and rice cakes thanks to stupidly watching a tv show about food a few months ago that stated rice actually has arsenic in it. Now the logical side of my brain tells me Amy, you’d have to eat a stupid amount of rice in order for the level of arsenic to effect you so stop worrying and just eat it. But the other part of me is totally put off by it! So when it comes to curry, I usually replace rice with either pasta or spaghetti if I have no pasta, popadoms, or I put it into the centre of a large Yorkshire pudding if I have one. Sounds weird but it tastes really nice! Kinda like a pie I guess (I’m allergic to pastry so can’t have it in an actual pie). I know I’m odd whatever Haha!
Anyway, I think I’ve probably rambled enough now about pointless shiz. Sorry if it’s not all that interesting! Now I’m going to try and chill out enough to sleep even though there’s some seriously noisy pricks outside still! Only now there’s girls cackling away too!
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹