It’s 10:48pm, my daughter has finally dozed off and I’m laying in bed trying to distract myself from the pain my left side is in. I moved earlier and it felt like my ribs had popped and that there’s something under them digging in; the only thing that’s slightly easing the pain is to hold on to my rib cage…gonna be fun trying to sleep tonight! So I thought seeing as I can’t sleep for a while yet, I’d ramble away on here instead…aren’t you lucky!
I was scrolling through old photos last night and saw so many from nights out when I used to drink, and it made me laugh at how much times change. For a start, I’m a mum now so obviously I’m not going to go out partying every weekend infact the last time I had alcohol was back in September 2016 purely because I don’t like drinking at home with my daughter around and I don’t like drinking alone. Secondly, I realised that I don’t even talk to most of the people in the photos with me anymore…which is kinda sad as they were part of some great memories; however, we don’t speak for a reason, I removed a lot of people from my life for being untrustworthy backstabbing drama queens. I simply can’t be bothered with the drama. It’s also weird to think that back then at this time of night we’d have maybe just finished pre drinks and gone to whatever club or pub depending on the event that night…yet here I am in bed! Nothing would stop me from going out either back in those days; I didn’t care if it was raining or if I had to walk on my own, if I had fuck all money I was lucky enough to know a lot of bar staff/security/managers to get most of my drinks for free, and even if I didn’t drink alcohol I’d still go out and have a good time. There was one time that I was on crutches yet I still walked to and from town just to go to the weekly rock night. I just never really wanted to be at home on my own because frankly my mind scared the shit outta me back then so I preferred being out with friends. Here’s a load of photos I put together from the old nights out before I fell pregnant.
I was always up for going out, I was so sociable and pretty confident to meet new people back then. At the rock nights I’d often go round to new people and convince them to come back the week after with more friends…I was like a free promo member haha! I loved it, I loved dancing til stupid o’clock then hobbling to a kebab van on the way home and just crashing out with friends. I didn’t enjoy some of the drama and fights though obviously, but hey that’s what you get with alcohol sometimes unfortunately!
I have actually found 2 corsets and a dress I used to wear out…I might try them on over the weekend and see if they still fit or not. Though if they don’t fit I’ll cry haha! Even though I have no where to wear them now, I still have my ridiculous high heels too. Maybe one night I’ll play dress up just for something to do lol
Yesterday I think, I posted about wanting to eat healthy etc. I contacted my old school friend Aaron for advice and he was so helpful bless him and not judgemental like a lot of other people have been with me in the past. I’ve ordered myself some containers for food prep which should arrive at some point next week. Today has been a weird day though…my daughter woke up around 9:30am and we chilled out listening to the radio til around 11…then I got up and tidied my bedroom, then went downstairs to tidy and hoover the living room and kitchen aswell as do 2 loads of washing. I plan on doing the bathroom tomorrow and hoovering upstairs on Sunday as I have to spread it out because it makes me so light headed and dizzy cleaning for long periods of time so I have to take it easy. What was strange, is that I’ve eaten next to fuck all today and don’t even really feel hungry…all I’ve had today is a bag of Frazzles, Ready Salted Crisps, Caramel Wafer bar and a bit of dairy milk chocolate along with just 1 bottle of water. I don’t even know why I haven’t eaten much today…tomorrow will be different as I’ve got mince defrosting in the freezer so I can make a shepherds pie for the weekend. I really must start drinking more water though, I’ve always been terrible at not drinking enough!
I was brave this week…I’m actually trying to arrange to meet up with someone for a few hours either next week or the week after. Mum has said she’ll babysit for a few hours, so I can go out on my own. This is a massive thing for me as I haven’t arranged to meet anyone in years and my anxiety tends to stop me. I just hope it happens and I don’t get let down…the person I’m meeting is pretty shit with replying to messages for the most part lol.
Talking of being brace, in another post I mentioned a guy who id been chatting to who had stopped talking as much and I was in two minds whether to confront him or not…well I did. I sent him a message saying are you just generally shit and replying or have you lost interest…he did then reply explaining why he hadn’t been as chatty, and then he asked to talk on the phone to me. Well actually first he wanted voice messages over whatsapp but I said I’d rather a phone call so I don’t feel like I’m talking to myself. We chatted for quite a while really, about all sorts of random shit, he was so easy to talk to and my god his voice just sounded so nice! (I know that sounds weird but shh). After our call we carried on messaging each other chatting about horror films etc, and I asked the all important question of have you seen the film Labyrinth…to which he said he had and that he loves it! He pronounced bowie wrong but I don’t care I can let him off of that one lol.
I love talking to him, he’s just so easy to chat to and I don’t have to put on any airs and graces I can F and blind all I want and he doesn’t care. He’s told me he’s a very gentle and affectionate person that loves cuddles (which is a big bonus point!), he’s been playing guitar for 12 years (I love guitar players), he’s very artistic, likes watching documentaries, has one of my old childhood favourites on DVD (Ren and stimpy!), can apparently cook really well…he just sounds like my ideal man all in one 6ft 2 tattooed package…however, I can’t help but think it’s too good to be true, and that I’m either gonna get played or end up hurt…I don’t know whether it’s because of my past or because I know that he has recently slept with someone (he’s single he’s allowed to do what he wants obviously, but I don’t know whether that was a one off thing or if he’s still seeing her or what!). I just know I enjoy talking to him (when he does reply lol) so I’d like to think he wasn’t too good to be true…who knows! Hopefully I’ll get to meet him and see from there!
I just sneezed and honestly thought my left lung was going to explode…ouch!!! 😩 stupid rib cage…someone come look after me please and just hold on to my ribs for me, I’ll pay you in hugs haha!
Anyone else on here watch a show called Naked Attraction? I find it fascinating at how different bodies look aswell as feeling kinda grossed out because bodies aren’t the best looking things especially genital area! Would you ever go on a show like that? I don’t think I would…the thought of being stood naked for a bloke to ‘inspect’ my features makes me feel rather uncomfortable, and I don’t think I’d take negative comments well where I hate my body already…interesting show though!
Anyway, my plan for tomorrow is to clean the bathroom, carry on writing up my final assessment, and to just chill out in front of the tv watching films or playing games with my daughter like every other weekend…exciting stuff right? Honestly I’m 24, but you’d think I was more 64 with how exciting my life is 😂
Time for me to stop pointlessly rambling and carry on scrolling through social media while trying to get comfy.
Hope you all have a good weekend!
🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹