My daughter starts school tomorrow…

…and I’m dreading it.

For a start, I was bullied all through school from start to finish; I hated school and dreaded going every day so much so that I often cried and begged my mum to let me stay home saying I felt ill, or if I got to school I’d go to the medical room and they’d send me home.

Secondly, the thought of someone else being responsible for my daughters safety just doesn’t sit well with me. She has always either been with me or my mum, so the idea of people I don’t know personally looking after her just ties my stomach in knots.

I don’t want her to dread school like I did, I want her to enjoy it and enjoy learning.

She’ll probably be fine, but my head thinks up of so many questions…

What if she wets herself and is laughed at and left to feel seriously embarrassed?

What if she doesn’t line up outside, the teacher doesn’t notice, and she’s either left outside alone or escapes from the playground?

What if she hurts herself and all she wants is her mummy but I’m not there?

What if she seriously hurts herself?

What if she gets bullied? Or has no friends?

What if she’s alone and sad at playtime?

What if she chokes on her morning snack?

What if she doesn’t do as she’s told and gets in trouble making her feel sad and not like her teacher?

What if she’s the only kid that doesn’t get a sticker for something?

What if she gets really upset that I’m not there and feels like I’ve abandoned her?

What if something serious and dangerous at the school happens?

What if other kids laugh at her for something?

What if no one lets her play with them?

What if she gets into a strop about something?

What if she gets out the classroom without the teachers noticing?

What if she struggles with using the toilets?

What if she struggles with the school work?

What if she simply hates it?

So many questions rattling round my head, I’m trying so hard to hold it all together so that she doesn’t pick up on how I’m feeling but it’s difficult. I just know that tomorrow I’m gonna cry so much when I leave the school without her.

Though she will only be doing 9-12:15 every day, I still hate that she’s not with me for that time.

I’ve always believed that the U.K. sends kids to school far too early…even more so now because my little girl is the youngest in her class.

😦 time goes too fast when you’re a parent.

What does my future hold?

It’s one of those annoying nights where instead of being all relaxed and ready for sleep my brain goes into major over drive thinking of all sorts…and the main thought that keeps making an appearance is about next year. 

Warning, this post is very rambly, as I’m just letting it spill out to try and relieve some of my brain enough to be able to chill out and sleep!

This year I have to fill out forms for a school placement for my daughter to start in September 2018. That in itself is a terrifying thought that genuinely upsets me, as it means my little girl is growing up fast and I can’t keep her with me all the time…the thought of trying to trust a school to look after my daughter really ties my stomach in knots- what if she’s bullied? What if she hates school? What if it makes her extremely unhappy? What if she can’t keep up with the other kids? What if she doesn’t make any friends? What if she’s unwell or hurts herself? I really do think 4 is too young to start school. I’m planning on only sending her part time until she’s used to it/age 5…but even still I just don’t like the idea of strangers looking after my daughter who I’ve spent the past few years protecting and looking after. I’ve got to start toilet training her once I’ve 1.got a loo seat for her and 2.the weather warms up a bit…but what if I’m absolutely useless with it or she just can’t get to grips with it? Also my daughter is beyond fussy when it comes to food, there’s literally only a handful of things she’ll eat and even then she goes off it and refuses it (this is why she still has formula milk at night to give her some form of goodness that she’s not getting from food she’s not eating) she’s happy and healthy with lots of energy etc, just beyond fussy and before anyone says anything, I have tried literally everything to try and get her eating proper meals etc but she’s stubborn and knows what she does and doesn’t want there’s no tricking her! So that worries me, what if she’s still not eating a lot when she starts school? I’m actually hoping that the part time hours will mean that she comes home at lunch time or starts after lunch for that exact reason. Why can’t kids stay little for longer rather than giving me all this anxiety and feelings of dread etc?! 

Ontop of my ‘child starting school’ worries, I’ve got the worry of what the hell am I going to do job wise. Let’s face it, a lot of employees don’t gravitate towards single full time parents purely because of things like if their child is sick they’re the only person the kid has so they’d have to miss work, and they can’t always do the normal kind of hours because it has to fit in around school hours and school holidays. I am currently on benefits (I’m not ashamed of that, I have worked since I was 16, and I only get what I am truthfully entitled to, and that money isn’t wasted on holidays or big tvs etc like you see on the benefit TV shows, I am not a scrounging scumbag, I’m a mum bringing up her daughter) and I have been told by my adviser that it’s best for me to find a job doing no more than 16hours a week otherwise I will be a lot worse off money wise which would result in me struggling…so unless I can get a job that earns a stupid amount of money that I won’t struggle on, then I have to go for the 16 hours…but honestly, what kind of companies will offer me those little hours on specific days and times with weekends being a big no no? I’ve never had to look for a job with little hours before, in my past it was always ‘more hours the better’ because it got me out the house and I had no responsibilities for others in my household.  Ideally I’d love to work from home, it doesn’t bother me being at home (I know some people feel isolated but I don’t) but the only things I can find are the jobs where you gotta try and sell over priced makeup or fitness stuff, distribute catalogues, or do online surveys which don’t even always pay you in the form of a wage but instead you get vouchers for different shops etc which obviously doesn’t help when I have bills to pay! So that idea is pretty much out the window. I’ve signed up for a distance learning course on caring for young children in the hopes that it could help me to get a job in a school, but in all honesty they’ll probably take one look at my tattoos and refuse to give me a chance (even though hey can all be covered and none are offensive or rude). I just have no idea what I’m going to do. I have plenty of work experience from retail, to management, barwork, events coordinating, caring and a support worker, but I’ve also been out of work since the end of 2013 and obviously can’t offer an employee a hell of a lot of my time because I’m a parent, even though I am a hard worker and get on with what I’m meant to be doing, it doesn’t really scream out HIRE ME IM AMAZING YOU NEED ME does it?  

Anyone from the UK reading this that’s been in the same position? Or anyone know of what job options I could try and get next year? Help! 

I think that’s enough venting for today, it’s helped relieve some of my brain so hopefully I’ll be able to switch off soon and sleep. 

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹