Fibromyalgia

Another rambly tired post at silly o’clock of me kinda talking to myself and ’emptying’ my mind a bit.

If I go by the NHS website of listed symptoms, I can tick off almost all of the symptoms for fibromyalgia. The only one I don’t have is the sensitivity to touch and light other than flashing lights they do my head in.

Fibromyalgia is one of those tricky issues where not all doctors and medical professionals actually ‘believe’ in it, many thinking it’s all in your head. I can kinda see why they think that, because there are a lot of people who fake it or play on it to get out of working/get painkillers etc, and from what I’ve read fibromyalgia is something that can’t be proven or disproven by doctors, they literally have to go on what the patient claims.

I know one person who claims to have fibromyalgia that seriously plays on it/fakes it. She has always been lazy and expected everyone to do everything for her. She’s obese if not morbidly obese. And she’s generally one of those people that just wants to be able to say she’s got something wrong with her. I lived with her at one point so I saw her almost every day. She used to claim that she couldn’t go to the kitchen and get her medication so her husband would bring it in to her each time. However, she could go out to the kitchen with no walking or standing issues and reach into the same cupboard and get her cigarettes out then stand outside smoking perfectly fine- sometimes even being out there for an hour or more without sitting or leaning on anything if she was chatting to a neighbour. Her ‘fibromyalgia’ came and went when it suited her.

I’m not someone to fake pain etc, I’ve seen what real pain looks like in my Nan who has Rheumatoid Arthritis and Osteoporosis, so I would never claim to be in pain to a doctor if I actually wasn’t. Again, there are unfortunately people out there who do.

I’m writing this as I’m laying in bed with my lower back feeling as if it’s being crushed, my hips feel like they’re magnets the wrong way round with my legs feeling as though they’re trying to push away from the hip joint, my ankles and feet are throbbing with pain from walking to the shop today and from getting cold, and my restless legs syndrome is kicking in though mine isn’t just my legs it’s often my whole body, right now it’s arms and legs making me twitch and cramp. It’s pretty uncomfortable and rather painful in places too.

I could go to a doctor about it, but if it is fibromyalgia I don’t particularly want to end up on medication that messes around with weight etc. Since overdosing in 2011, I don’t like being on medication or having a lot in my possession. The only medication I have is my buscopan for IBS, and the occasional ibuprofen if monthly stomach cramps get too much for me. I also don’t want my doctor to think I’m making it up like some people do.

There’s probably an explanation for my symptoms that aren’t to do with fibromyalgia at all. For example, my aches and pains are likely to stem from the Pes Planus I’ve always had that’s made my ankles weak and buggered up my ligaments having a knock on effect to knees, hips and back from walking funny. As a baby I had clicky hips that would cramp so badly i wouldn’t be able to move at all til it stopped, and they still play up now. My daughter effected my lower back while I was pregnant. I have a high chance of developing arthritis if I don’t already have a form of it now. I go in and out of being anaemic. My blood pressure is stupidly low causing dizziness every time I stand up from sitting/if stood too long. There’s a lot of different explanations for each symptom I have.

At the moment, my ‘symptoms’ whatever they may be symptoms of, don’t really stop me from doing day to day things, but it doesn’t mean it’s not painful or difficult sometimes. I just guess I’m kinda used to it and know when I need to take a break etc.

I may well go to the doctors and discuss it all with them to see if there’s an underlying problem such as fibromyalgia, or if it’s all just simply how I am and how my body works. But then I possibly won’t because I’m still able to live my life and do most things maybe it’s a type of tolerance I’ve built up, who knows!

Bodies are strange things aren’t they?

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Late night chats with my 3 year old

For whatever reason, my daughter decided that 3:40am was the time she wanted to fall asleep. Good thing I have insomnia really and I’m used to still being awake at silly o’clock!

I was changing her nappy and she started talking about wanting to go in the car to nannas house, so I said to her when mummy passes her driving test we can go to nannas house more often- which got a massive cheer in response. I then said to her “do you think mummy will pass her driving test?” And she says with a big smile “yes mummy pass test!”. She then went on to explain how big bear her colourful teddy that’s bigger than her will come in the car too and wear straps to be safe, how we need a sparkly car that we keep clean with big sponges so it doesn’t get muddy, and that she wants to go and see some dinosaurs.

My second attempt of driving test is next week. I’m beyond nervous, but I really really want to do it for my daughter even more so after that random little conversation. I want to take her to fun places though I’m not sure where we’d go for dinosaurs but I’m sure I can find something!, to be able to do food shopping rather than doing it all online, and to go over my mums and even take her to places she needs to go. I just want that freedom, I’m desperate for that freedom. I just wanna be able to come home afterwards full of smiles and say to my daughter that I’ve passed, and see how excited she gets at the thought of mummy being able to drive.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so desperate in my whole life to be honest.

I’ll try my absolute hardest to do this, not only for my daughter, but for me too.

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Hello insomniac rambling!

For the past few days I’ve not been able to fall asleep before midnight, and I’ve been waking up from really odd scary dreams. For example, Sunday night I dreamt that I was in hospital with my Nan and daughter at the reception desk, and I hear a nurse conversation saying a psychiatric patient has escaped and hasn’t come back for his review. One nurse sees him appear outside and tells everyone to not look at him because he’ll become violent. My Nan went off to her appointment leaving me and my daughter. This psychiatric patient comes in- he’s huge, over 6ft, built like a rugby player, and has dark sunken eyes. My daughter looks at him and he makes a b line for her for doing so. My dream then skipped to me curled up around my daughter under the chairs, hiding from him because his eye sight wasn’t very good. I get my daughter to crawl out and go to a doctor sitting near the door who takes her out the room for safety. The man sits on the chair above me, and kicks me as he puts his feet back. Realising I’m there, he reaches under and drags me out, shouting at me ‘cats or dogs’…I see a cat book in his hand so I say cats in reply, thinking it’d defuse the situation and we could just talk about cats…but instead he used that book to hit me multiple times, one of which being my lower back which is when I woke up…and when I woke up, my back genuinely felt as though it had been beaten it was horrible. I’m usually pretty good at understanding dreams and their meanings…but this one has me stumped.

So here I am again at almost 1am unable to sleep. Though to be honest my daughter is still somehow awake too which isn’t helping! I think I’m maybe having trouble sleeping because I’m thinking about my driving test which is on Thursday. So I guess it’s playing on my mind and causing havoc with my subconscious! I just really wanna pass.

I’ve got no idea what else to write to be honest. Just needed a change from scrolling through the same shite on social media haha!

Mum is coming over technically today, just gonna try and have a relaxing day and psych myself up for Thursday. My alarm is set for 5am Thursday so I don’t have to rush to get ready for 7am pick up, then Test is at 9:07am. Pleeeeease nerves, don’t make me fail this! And I’m also hoping that 1.i get a nice examiner and 2.there isn’t much traffic while I’m doing my test to reduce me hesitating at roundabouts too much!

I was scrolling through WordPress to see if my best girl mate had done any new blog posts…but she’s being crap and hasn’t! Love ya really S, but come on I need summit to read 😂

Time to try and sleep or at least relax I guess!

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Chatty…whatever day it is

I can’t bloody sleep!!!

Just lately I’ve found it near on impossible to fall asleep before 2am no matter how tired I am. Joys of insomnia eh! I do however hope that it goes away by next week…on my driving test day I’ve gotta wake up at about 5am

So it’s Wednesday and of course that means my mum is coming over. We’re gonna be making some Christmas wreaths with pom-poms which should be fun! Then Im probably gonna get drenched walking to the shop and post office (actually sold an item on depop I’m quite impressed) before my smear test appointment. Fun day right! But atleast I don’t have to wake up as early on Thursday this week, as my driving lesson is at around 10am I say around 10 because my instructor may be a bit late. Only annoying thing about having a lesson finish at 1pm is that by the time I’ve popped into the shop and walked back, my stepdad will be arriving to pick my mum up so I don’t get a chance to just chill for half an hour after my lesson. Ah well, let’s hope it’ll be my last lesson!!

I’ve mentioned previously how this year I’m more excited about Christmas because my daughter is starting to get what it is…or atleast she knows about Santa and that he has reindeers that fly etc etc. She’s 3, obviously she won’t understand the whole concept yet but it’s a start! I’ve actually just ordered one of her presents from amazon, it’s a laughing monkey thing which laughs and wiggles about and farts…she’s gonna find it hilarious! Anyway, I’m even more excited about it this year because my Nan is actually able to come and stay for Christmas!! She’s never spent Christmas Day with my daughter, so it will be so nice for her to join us. Her brother and sister in law are bringing her up somewhere between the 16th-20th December, then I have no idea when they’ll pick her up. I just can’t wait to have her here for Christmas. We always go to my mums, and at certain parts of the day she has to go out to sort the cows and calf’s with their food etc my stepdad is a dairy farmer which means I’m usually left indoors on my own while my daughter plays with the dog or runs about like a loon, so it’ll be nice to have someone else there to keep me company 🙂 I really wanted my Nan to spend a few nights at my house, but I don’t know if she will because I’m worried about her tripping over one of my daughters toys or something she has rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis so it’s really not good for her to fall, she’s easily breakable! But hopefully we’ll sort something out so we get to see her plenty too, as I know she desperately wants to spend time with my daughter who she hasn’t seen in person since her 2nd birthday I think. Been a long time!!

I’m really hating my skin at the moment, I think the cold weather is making it all dry it’s driving me insane!! But I can never find decent face creams that 1. Don’t bring me out in spots or a rash 2.Don’t feel sticky once applied 3. Sit nicely under makeup 4. Don’t cost the earth to buy! Garnier I’m looking at you…best part of a tenner for a small tub!! Oh the struggles eh!

Anyway, I guess I’d better attempt to get some sleep, though I’m feeling rather awake which is annoying. Gotta get up and get bathed in the morning my hair seriously needs washing I’ve been holding out on washing my hair til today because I haven’t been anywhere since I last washed it and I like to try and give my hair a break…especially as you’re not meant to wash your hair everyday anyway!

Hope you all have a good week 🙂

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Weekend blues

I hate weekends. They instantly put a downer on my mood and just drag seeming never ending. Because I don’t drive, theres no where I can go to get out for a bit so it leaves myself and my daughter just at home. I go kinda stir crazy with cabin fever, but in the same breath I also love being at home too. Weekends make me miss the option to have friends visit if I wanted them too…before I was pregnant with my daughter, every weekend I’d either be at my Nans or with friends I was very rarely on my own. So it’s a bit of a change to those days! The thing is, even though part of me would love to invite friends to stay the weekend or invite people over for some adult company (I love my daughter but she’s 3 I can’t have an adult convo with her lol) there’s an even bigger part of me that dreads the idea of people being in my house. My anxiety flares up at the very thought of it and I have no idea why. I’m my own worst enemy lol

What hasn’t helped me this weekend, is that for a start I’ve had no chocolate, and secondly the books I’ve been reading have made me feel super lonely! I finished reading Girl Online: On Tour, and got over half way through Girl Online: Going Solo. Both are brilliant books as is the first one, however, when you’re already in a fed up lonely mood and your last serious relationship was in 2012, reading about love and happiness and all other kinds of nice stuff really doesn’t help lol I found myself thinking fuck sake the girl in this book is 16 and has 2 guys after her, one of which sounds bloody perfect, yet I’m 24 and been single 5 years. Don’t get me wrong there’s been guys who have shown apparent interest, but it never goes further than that- maybe because I’m over the whole ‘having fun’ thing where you go out and get pissed and act like horny rabbits for the first few weeks…I have a daughter who’s my top priority, I don’t want to introduce people into her life who aren’t gonna stay for the long hall…it’s pretty much all or nothing with me nowadays. But in the same sense, I wouldn’t want to live with a guy again…not for a long time atleast. I’m quite happy in my house with my daughter where I can decorate it how I like and not have to compromise with someone else, I like my space to be mine. I’m more on the ‘settling down’ side of things now, and I think that scares a lot of guys off…even more so because I have my daughter and they would ultimately become a father figure to her if they were with me. So yeah reading books with lovely relationships involved and successes etc seriously doesn’t help my fed up weekend mood! But me being me I’ll still carry on reading it because I’m clearly an idiot who likes to torture myself lol.

I know that as soon as Monday comes along I’ll be back to my normal self again, it’s just Saturday and Sunday that I kinda struggle with. Don’t get me wrong I’m not all miserable etc as I can’t be it wouldn’t be fair on my daughter, it’s more of an internal thing in a sense.

It’s currently coming up for 2am on Sunday, and my daughter is still awake somehow, so it means she’ll sleep in late which atleast means some of the day has gone…though I don’t like to wish my days away, I just hate how slow weekends go for me. We have a shopping delivery coming in the afternoon, and I’m telling you now if they don’t bring my chocolate and other comfort food I will probably cry!

Sorry for the random rambly post that is just a bit of verbal diarrhoea that makes little to no sense…but as I’ve said before my blog is for me to talk and get stuff outta my head to make space in a sense.

I really want to get back into blogging more again like I did at the start, but I just have no idea what to write about anymore and I just get complete writers block and end up with crappy rambly posts like this one! I’ve asked before for any readers to give me suggestions on what they would like to read from me, but I never get any response from it so I’m still left twiddling my thumbs trying to think of things that people may find atleast a bit interesting.

I’ll stop boring you now and attempt sleep, not that I think anyone woulda read this whole post but if you did then well done and thanks for sticking with me lol

What days of the week do you hate the most?

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

3 reasons why my body is against me

Before I start this, I am fully aware that there are people out there with medical conditions and disabilities etc that are a lot worse than what I’ll be discussing, however that doesn’t mean mine are any less ‘important’ and I am grateful that I don’t have anything a lot more serious than I do have. I’m writing this post because I’m exhausted and in a fair bit of pain and discomfort so thought sod it let’s share to try and distract myself a bit and help other people understand a bit better. 

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1.Pes Planus: Flat Feet/Fallen Arches

A ‘normal’ persons foot will have an arch in the bottom, whereas my feet are completely and utterly flat. 

This has caused my ligaments to be extremely weak and stretched, my ankle joints to also be weak, and to be in constant pain that can effect other parts of my body such as my knees, hips and back. When I stand/walk, most of my weight is on the inside of my feet, causing my feet to lean inwards which can affect my balance (which is why I often trip up and my mum calls me flappy feet) as instead of my feet pointing straight ahead when walking they can often go in the direction of my toes pointing outwards. Because of this, I can never borrow shoes from anyone purely because my feet ruin them, and there’s no point in me buying expensive shoes because they get misshaped. 

I have constant pain in my feet and ankles, when I’m in bed for example, there’s a dull kind of ache and light throbbing feeling, as soon as I stand up that worsens. If I walk even to the shop and back which is a 20min round trip, my ankles will become stiff and sometimes even swollen. I can’t go for very long walks without sitting down, as the pain can become unbearable if I don’t rest. I’ve got so used to the constant pain being there, that I actually fractured my right ankle without even knowing about it and I only found out when I went to hospital with another injury to the same ankle and they said “you’ll be fine with crutches you would have used them before with the previous fracture”…they were quite shocked when I said “what previous fracture?”! Having this issue with my feet and ankles puts me at a higher risk of developing arthritis in that area (if I don’t already have it), I’ve got a lot of the same ‘symptoms’ as my Nan who now has flat feet herself caused by rheumatoid arthritis. When I was younger I had specialist insoles made for my shoes to try and reduce the pain and support my ankles…these insoles were too big and bulky for all my shoes, and they caused me to be in even more pain so I stopped wearing them. The only other option I was given was surgery, which involved a procedure to basically break my feet and rebuild them with an arch…the downside would be that I wouldn’t have a lot of movement in my feet and ankles as part of them would be fused so I wouldn’t be able to do the movement of putting the clutch down in a car for example…so of course I declined that as it would leave me worse off. So I’ve just got to try and wear shoes that support my ankles such as trainers that are ‘high tops’ and just rest when I can; usually it can take me a couple of days to recover from too much walking, and even my driving lessons affect my ankles leaving them stiff and swollen the next day.

2. Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

I was diagnosed with this back in 2016 and I’ve hated it since. IBS is painful when it flares up, it’s like a mixture of severe period pain and trapped wind pain all at once aswell as making you feel nauseous. I’d actually rather go through child birth again instead of IBS pain. I can’t eat certain things such as yoghurt, certain ice cream, fried food, eggs, peppers (the list goes on) and sometimes I’ll eat something that I’m usually fine with and my stomach will decide it doesn’t like it on that day and make me have a flare up. 

TMI alert: another annoyance and uncomfortable part of having IBS is going to the toilet; for a person without IBS, when you feel like you need to empty your bowels there’s no urgency in a sense to get to the toilet, whereas with IBS as soon as I feel like I need to empty my bowels I have to get to a toilet asap, but, when I get there it can sometimes take me anything from 15 mins to an hour to actually have a bowel movement but I’ll be unable to move off the toilet because of the discomfort in my lower abdominal area which can be pretty embarrassing if I’m out or have someone at my house. When a flare up hits, it can come on extremely quickly and I’ll be crippled up in pain unable to sit up straight and it will hurt so much that it can make me breathless. I take Buscopan for this which luckily does help ease the pain within about 15mins, but those 15 mins feel like a lifetime when in that amount of pain. IBS also causes my stomach to bloat out whenever I eat, often only a little, but sometimes it can bloat so much I actually look pregnant! The other joy of IBS is that stress and anxiety can cause it to flare up too, which in turn makes me feel more stressed and anxious! 

3. Insomnia 

I’ve had insomnia since I was around 13. It was triggered by my great Aunty pat dying and the nightmares I had making me afraid to sleep. I never get a decent night sleep, if I do manage to fall asleep it’s a broken sleep where I’ll wake up pretty much every hour. It takes me hours to fall asleep no matter how exhausted I am I just can’t fall asleep easily, so I’m pretty much always in a state of tiredness. I have tried sleeping tablets before but they don’t agree with me and actually ‘trap’ me in my sleep (I slept for 15hours straight when I last tried them; I was having nightmares but just couldn’t wake up, and when I eventually did I was dripping with sweat, crying and hyperventilating). I used to be able to hide my tiredness pretty well years ago, or I had the option to just stay in bed and rest if I wanted to, but being a single mum I have to stay awake the whole time my daughter is awake and keep an eye on her all day which in turn adds to my tiredness! 

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So there you go, there’s 3 reasons my body is against me. Hopefully by reading this people will have more understanding when I say I’m tired, or that I can’t eat certain things anymore, or that I’m in too much pain to walk any further. 

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Would you rather&random quiz…

I can’t sleep so here’s some random get to know me stuff.

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Watch, Star Wars, or Star Trek? Probably Star Trek tbh. 

Read on a Kindle or paperback book? Give me an actual book any day, I hate reading from a screen. 

Go to a play or musical? Definitely musical 

Go to the theater or a movie? Theatre. I love the atmosphere in theatres and they have this certain smell to them that I find comforting but have no idea how to describe it haha!

Hike or bike? Neither lol I think Hike as bikes can be bloody uncomfortable. 

Wear jeans or chinos? Jeans!! I hate chinos

Have a Margarita or Pina Colada? Neither, if i had to have a cocktail it would be Purple Rain or Tequila Sunrise. 

Drink a glass of Guinness or Fat Tire? I have no idea what a fat tire is, so I’ll go with Guinness.

Crash with friends or stay in a hotel? Hotel. I don’t like being in other people’s houses over night unless I’ve been there loads and its like a second home. I’m really funny about using toilets, like I get paranoid if I’m taking too long or if they can hear me or if my IBS plays up leaving me on the loo for ages etc. 

Vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? I’d rather stay at home, Alaska is far too cold and Hawaii is too hot which would make me ill.

Go skiing or snowshoeing? Skiing 

Travel by plane, train, or car? Car please. 

Enjoy a houseboat or speed boat? Houseboat, those things are cute.

Go climbing or zip lining? Zip lining!!

Go to a comedy club or dance club? Dance club, I’ve always enjoyed having a boogie.

Have a night out or evening in? Evening in, I’m so boring sorry haha! 

Watch TV or read a book? I like both, though even if I’m reading my TV is on because I hate being in a silent room.

Go canoeing or waterskiing? Neither because I can’t swim

Camp in an RV or stay in a tent? Ivw never been in an RV so I’ll go with that.

Use Facebook or Twitter? Facebook, I’ve never got on with twitter.

Choose a free trip or money? Depends on how much money…because if it was a lot then you could go where you wanted anyway. 

Win the lottery or find your perfect job? Win the lottery to help me set up my perfect job. 

Swim in a pool or the ocean? I can’t swim…but I will go in a pool as long as the water only goes up to my chest at most. 

Watch sports or play sports? Watch sports.. I’m far too unfit to play any sports these days haha!

Play dodgeball or kickball? Dodgeball, not played it in years! 

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Who would you want with you if you were stranded on a deserted island? Someone that had good survival skills and could get us off the island and back home. 

If you could do anything you wanted right now, what would it be? Get a decent nights sleep! It’s 1:40am and my restless legs are playing up making me fidgety and uncomfortable.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Visit different places like the zoo, get some takeaway food, pay for my Nan and a few friends to visit.

Where do you most want to travel, but have never been? Brighton or Scotland. 

What is your favorite book? This changes all the time when I’m reading, but at the moment it’s got to be Girl Online by Zoe Sugg. 

What was your favorite activity in gym class? I didn’t do PE a lot due to my ankles (I have no arch in my feet which makes even standing painful) but when I did on the rare occasion i enjoyed netball, being a fielder in rounders, and 100m sprint. 

What has been your biggest challenge? Getting my self confidence up to a higher level- that’s still a work in progress. 

What is your biggest success up until now? Becoming a mum. 

What is the one thing that should be taught in school that isn’t already? People skills, like how to correctly treat people, anti bullying, mental health, etc. And for older years I think life skills like how tax works or budgeting money etc. 

If you were to create a piece of art, what would the subject be? That would depend on my mood at the time. 

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? Any time as a child living in my first home- best memories are there. 

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🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Insomnia, RLS, TV, Tears and The One That Got Away…

Yeah you guessed it, it’s silly o’clock and yet again I can’t sleep. Curled up in bed with twitchy legs from restless leg syndrome playing up and an uncomfortable stomach from IBS playing up. Today, my body hates me. 

Usually when I’m staring into the darkness begging my eyes to close and my mind to shut up and sleep I’m just in silence, alone with my thoughts (and the sound of my daughter snoring) but tonight I’ve actually had someone to talk to. 

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In a previous post which was a quiz thingy, there was a question along the lines of Do You Believe In Love At First Sight…to which I answered yes and briefly explained about who said person was…well I’ve actually been chatting to him for the first time in god knows how long. We’ve kind of always been like this, we can go months and months without talking but then talk as if we’d never stopped. We’re currently arguing over who’s the biggest twat out of us both for not realising how much we liked each other back in the day…I say back in the day…anyone who truly knows me will know that I’ve always kept this guy in my heart and always will. You can’t just remove feelings that strong when you care about someone that much. I met him back in…2008 or maybe even 2007. At that time, my mental health wasn’t the greatest, and he was the only person who would listen to me talk openly about the darkness in my mind, he never once judged me or told me I was stupid etc. He’d listen. Which is a lot more than most people would do. He kept me out of danger so many times when I’d blindly walk out into roads because my mind would fuck up and put me in my own world. There was one night that I was adamant I was going to walk home alone (in the dark, while it was pretty cold, and I lived a good hours walk away on a farm) and he tried to force me into a taxi so that I’d get home safe…but me being stubborn I climbed out the other side of the taxi and started walking away…he then picked me up over his shoulder (baring in mind he’s about 6″8) and carried me all the way back to his house so that I couldn’t run from him and put myself in danger. Another time I was seeing this absolute dickhead who had decided to bad mouth me in the pub calling me a psycho and taking the piss out of my mental health and the fact I’d started seeing a psychologist etc…this guy saw how upset I was at the spiteful comments, and he held the dickhead up by his throat against a wall and made him apologise to me. He always had my back, always looked out for me. He cared so much for me, but not enough about himself which did sometimes lead to him pushing me away sometimes (we always push away the ones closest to us at bad times).  Even now, nearly ten years later I still hold a torch for him (my god that’s an old saying!) And I always will because of how much of an impact he had on my life. Don’t get me wrong we’ve both had various relationships etc since, but I guess there’s just certain people your heart can’t let go of, and the butterflies in your stomach will always fly for. If I could magic him here and take care of him forever I would in a heart beat. Strange how your mind holds on to certain memories and your heart holds on to people and feelings even after a long time apart.  I think out of the very few friends of mine who read this, only one will know who I’m talking about as she was there at the pub with me when I first met him…the one that got away.

I don’t know why I decided to blog this…I guess it’s another way of talking to myself in a sense but also letting it out rather than bottling it all up. 

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On a totally separate subject altogether, who’s been watching Emmerdale? Thursday nights episodes were fucking heartbreaking!! In the first episode, it was Arthur reading his poem about his dad at his grave that first made me cry, but the absolute killer was the second episode with Lorrel dreaming…I sobbed my heart out and I mean the proper hyperventilating snotty sobbing! So powerful and heartbreaking. 

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Another thing that made me cry this week, was she Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why…I started watching it at about 8am, and finished the whole series by about 2am the following morning I could not put it down. It was amazing if you haven’t seen it then check it out. I’ll be doing a more detailed post around it at some point as if links in nicely to one of my requested topics I’m yet to write about. 

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01:23…I hate it when I look at the time and its a sequence like that! Or something like 2:22, 14:15..or if it has 11 included! No idea why, it just kinda puts me on edge when it becomes a regular occurrence again. 

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Anyway I guess I’d better shh and attempt sleep again…I’m yawning so that’s gotta be a good sign right?! I think tomorrow…or more today really is gonna be a pyjama day, I sense a zombie mood! 

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Have you got someone that you’ll always ‘have s soft spot for’ in your life? Any Netflix recommendations? 

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Ramblings of an emotional mind at 1am

Warning, there is swearing in this as there’s a lot of emotions flying out of my mind while I write/type this so I apologise. 

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March 28th 2006…one of my most hated days. The day my Great Aunty Pat passed away. 

11 years has gone by so fast, and for whatever reason the older I’m getting the harder it’s becoming to accept that reality that she’s actually gone. You’d of thought my mind would be ‘over it’ by now as it was 11 years ago…I think the older o get the less I can handle death whether it’s a past death or a more recent one. I haven’t properly cried about my aunty for a few years I think, I mean I’ve got teary eyed and choked up, but for whatever reason I’ve actually been curled up in bed sobbing. I obviously had some tears that needed to vacate my eyes! 

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I mentioned before in my post about dealing with grief how my aunty had throat cancer and had lost her voice completely. What breaks my heart, is that I can’t hear what her voice sounded like before she was ill anymore. I can’t hear her laugh, or anything. All I can hear is the sound of that fucking horrible tube in her throat being ‘hoovered’ out to unblock it. It makes me so angry and so upset that I can’t remember her voice anymore and that I’m just stuck with the horrible memory of that cunting tube whenever I try. It’s like I can play the good memories of her back in my head like a movie clear as day…but it’s a silent movie…other than the noise of that tube. I don’t want her to fade in my head anymore than that.

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I still get the nightmares I had back in 2006 about my aunty every now and again, and I think they’ll always come back to haunt me. It was 2006 that I believe my depression etc really kicked off because of these nightmares…I got so afraid to fall asleep because the dreams were so painful, and for someone of 12 years old to be having the vivid dreams I was having there’s no wonder it scared me. I remember getting so desperate to get away from these dreams, that I prayed. Infact I didn’t pray, I begged. My mum was very much into spiritual healing stuff back then, and she told me to ask arch angel Michael for help. I remember begging and pleading that he’d stop my nightmares and let me sleep…but it never worked. My aunties death had quite a bad affect on the family. My mum had a breakdown I believe, and I think looking back I did too. My Nan couldn’t listen to certain music anymore, and still can’t listen to one particular song because it was played at my aunties service which was Paint The Sky With Stars by Enya (I’ll put the lyrics at the end of this post) I remember writing my aunty a letter after she had died, saying how sorry I was for not being there on my last chance to see her etc. I’ve still got that letter, it’s folded up in a pink vanity case which has random things in it that belonged to her…I need to find that case again actually, I don’t know if it’s here or at my mums. For years I’d only open that box every now and again, because i didn’t want the smell of my aunty pat to fade away from it. 

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I think I have a few of my aunties traits. She had big beautiful eyes and that’s the feature I get complimented on the most. She was so unbelievably stubborn, even when she couldn’t speak she just had this glare that could put anyone in their place and when it came to wrapping presents up she’d use so much tape that they were impossible to get into without using scissors…which I’m guilty of doing! She also had so much stuff! She’d keep all sorts and had all different knick-knacks that she just couldn’t get rid of…which I think is where I get it from! I find it hard to get rid of things I get attached to stuff. 

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My aunty pat would always make Shepard’s pie for dinner whenever I visited her because it was my absolute favourite meal that she made…and she’d always end up giving me something like little notebooks or magnets just any little trinket really. She had this art attack art set that she would let me use whenever I visited her, but I had to make sure everything went back in its right place etc. We would quite often go for walks along the canal as it was right behind where she lived; and we’d take bread etc out to feed the birds and squirrels and see how many pine cones and conkers we could collect. She adored animals. In the last flat she lived in she actually got in trouble because she kept on leaving food out for badgers and foxes etc when she was told not to. I think she also used to give to a lot of animal charities. Cats were her favourite animal though I believe, she had a few herself. Aunty pat always had really funky earrings in the shape of all different things like different animals or colours etc. In her living room she had this big red leather chair and footstool that she always sat in, and I’d quite often sit on the foot stool to show her different things or drawing etc. High she did have one chair which she always said was mine, and that’s a red bucket chair which is at my mums as I don’t have anywhere to put it at the moment. 

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I think the funniest memory I have of her, is when we went to a local garden centre that sold the most beautiful Christmas decorations and ornaments, aswell as other bits and bobs, and it wasn’t until we had arrived there and were walking from my nans car that I looked down and asked my aunty why she was still wearing her slippers! Luckily they slippers she was wearing were quite posh looking so weren’t very obvious that they were slippers haha! 

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I don’t even know why I decided to do a blog post on this. But it has calmed me down, I guess it’s sort of like talking to someone to let out your emotions rather than bottling it all up…as I think everyone knows, bottling up emotions is never a good idea. But, seeing as its silly o’clock in the morning I don’t have anyone I can talk to so this is the next best thing I guess seeing as it has managed to calm me down and stop me crying and snotting everywhere! So I do apologise if this maybe isn’t interesting to read, or you find it kinda pointless, but I think it’s important to share strong emotions…it may even help someone else in a similar situation. 

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Lyrics to Paint The Sky With Stars by Enya:

Suddenly before my eyes
Hues of indigo arise
With them how my spirit sighs
Paint the sky with stars

Only night will ever know
Why the heavens never show
All the dreams there are to know
Paint the sky with stars

Who has placed the midnight sky
So a spirit has to fly?
As the heavens seem so far now,
Who will paint the midnight star?

Night has brought to those who sleep
Only dreams they cannot keep
I have legends in the deep
Paint the sky with stars

Who has placed the midnight sky
So a spirit has to fly?
As the heavens seem so far now,
Who will paint the midnight star?

Place a name upon the night
One to set your heart alight
And to make the darkness bright
Paint the sky with stars.

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Miss you always great aunty pat ❤

🔹immeamy, you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹

Insomnia strikes again! Warning: major rambling 😂

You guessed it, it’s silly o’clock in the morning and even though I’m shattered I can’t seem to fall asleep no matter how hard I try. I’ve scrolled through social media, played Sims Freeplay on my phone, looked for different blogs to follow…so my last resort to save me just staring at the ceiling is to ramble away in a blog post instead! (You’re welcome)

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Do you ever get the sudden urge of wanting to change something? Usually with me it’s my hair I either end up cutting it or dying it. This time though it’s so much more than that I want to change. I guess I want to reinvent myself in a sense. I’m bored of my hair, I want it longer but it stops growing at a certain length, I want it thicker but lately it seems to be getting thinner! And I want it a slightly lighter colour. Body wise I want my tummy and thighs to be more toned, and to actually get back my bum that has apparently disappeared. If I had the money, I’d get a whole new wardrobe; a LOT of my clothes are years old, or super baggy, or they used to be my mums- infact every pair of jeans I own now are all my mums old ones that don’t fit her anymore. 

It’s not just my appearance/style I’m bored with, it’s my lifestyle/routine too. I’ve been slowly changing things round in my house starting with my bedroom which has made the room feel nicer even though it’s no where near finished. I just need to work on my self discipline I guess- I’m terrible for being a bit messy; for example I’ll maybe keep my makeup all neat in in draw for a while, but it will slowly become less neat, or I’ll start piling clothes up rather than putting them away properly (that’s a point, I really must sort my wardrobe out properly again!) Just silly things like that which do eventually end up getting on my nerves, so I think I need to try and change my ‘routine’ to try and almost train myself to not be so chaotic with things. Where I live it’s quite awkward to get out anywhere interesting due to buses being irregular and taxis costing an absolute fortune- which can sometimes annoy me a bit especially when the weather is nice as all I think is things like “if I could drive we could be at the zoo or go out shopping”, which is why I’m praying that I can learn and pass my driving lessons/tests fairly quickly (starts on Thursday ahh!) So that I can take my daughter on summer adventures to different places or even simple things like to be able to go and do my food shop each week instead of ordering online and getting it delivered.I guess in that sense I’m kinda craving more freedom. I am hoping that when I eventually pass my driving that it’ll give me more confidence to maybe make some friends; I’ve lived here for nearly 3 years and I don’t actually have any friends haha! We used to go to a toddler group and the mums there were lovely etc but I don’t think I matched with them to actually become proper friends- for a start most of the ladies weren’t single mums like myself and are married, and I think the majority of them were closer to my mums age than mine. Don’t get me wrong age and relationship status don’t bother me, but on top of those differences I guess I kind of felt like the ‘black sheep’ with how I look and act compared to them. (I think my humour is different, and I was definitely more ‘alternative looking’ to them) though if I’m honest, I’ve always struggled to get on with females anyway, I’ve always got along better with males for some reason, so maybe that’s why I felt I couldn’t really make a friend with the ladies in the group? We stopped going to it a while ago anyway as my daughter started to not enjoy it as much and would become really bloody grumpy every time it came to leaving. She sleeps in quite late recently too so we’d never be up and ready in time for it anyway! 

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Next year, it’s my brothers wedding (we’re not blood related I’m an only child, but for years he’s called me his little sister). It’s in July so the weather should be fairly nice…only problem is I have no idea what the hell I’m going to wear to it! I haven’t actually been to a wedding as an adult so haven’t had to really choose my own outfit before…help! I honestly have no clue what I can wear that looks nice and presentable, that won’t let me be too hot or too cold (I reel the cold really easily) and also doesn’t draw too much attention to me (when I wear skirts or short sleeves I have a lot of tattoos on show which can lead to me getting unwanted attention). I can dress for interviews perfectly fine I’ve always actually received comments from employers on how well presented I looked, but weddings?! I have no idea! – why I’m getting worried about this now I don’t know, I have over a year to get something to wear! 

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I don’t even know if any of this lot makes sense, or is even remotely interesting; but it’s 3am, and I only have myself to talk to so this has just been me thinking out loud rather than just in my head! So I apologise for the randomness and lack of anything interesting! I blame mr insomnia for not allowing me to sleep and causing me to ramble away about random boring bollox 😂 

I hope anyone reading this gets a better sleep than me! I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone it drives me mad! 

I’ll shh now and attempt to sleep again, sorry haha!

🔹immeamy,you’re you, and that’s the best way to be🔹